Miss Ashley Pants

Brain-channel epilogue

As I published my brainhack article… I realized I’ve forgotten something (ironic?). What to avoid. For example, you may have noticed how on that list, I haven’t included the likes of “screw (alone or not), stuff your face, or have a Netflixathon”. Worry not. I didn’t forget those items. They’ve been intentionally left out only because I’ve done the field research in this area and can successfully conclude the following: they don’t work… Read More

10 anti-anxiety channels for your brain remote.

You know that feeling you get when you hear the OnDemand menu or DVD intro on loop? But you can’t find the remote to change it? So you just have to keep hearing it like some prisoner-of-war camp torture method? That’s kinda how anxiety-inducing thoughts are for me. Same annoying thing running circles in my head. And just like the jailers with the war prisoners, it’s usually doing that because there’s some truth.. Read More

Fresh pressed high fructose corn syrup, anyone?

I guess I was a few months late when I posted this and the comment reply: (Greg’s default is a nice retrospective foreshadowing to the pranky skittle-shake which you’ll see in a sec.) ‘cause Jimmy Kimmel’d already beat me to it back in January, apparently. And, yes, it’s everything I’d dreamed of. I’ll be honest. We health nuts can get pretty annoying. In retrospect, even that post I made back in April sounded.. Read More

A Rose by any other name still shouldn’t throw profeshade on Twitter

If only I were famous, I’d never have to deal with the problems peons do anymore. Like calories, aging, or getting fired for shit talking about my fellow professionals on Twitter. Right? Even though she literally got fired for doing that last one, we’re gonna employ the lovely Rose McGowan as a public cautionary tale example of how no one’s free from that. Even in the celebrity realm. ’cause homegirl did some digital.. Read More

College creates “texting” lane. And our freeways should too.

“What an idiot,” I thought as I shade-threw at the girl in the lane next to me who was texting on a phone sheathed in a neon green otter box. “Way too easy for a cop to see,” I continued judging as I looked back down to finish my own text message her idiocy had interrupted. This is the part where the “I do it too” part of the joke sets in, you.. Read More

Workaround to Gmail’s crappy unsend feature

What a load of crap this new email “unsend” feature is. If you’re lost already, don’t worry. I am too. Because when I heard that Gmail had finally catered to one of the interweb’s most frequently entered search engine keyword combos (third, I assume, right after “hentai” and “goats in pajamas” #educatedguesses), I thought exactly three things: 1.) Don’t they already have a shitty version of that at the moment? 2.) I’m pretty.. Read More

New dude birth control Gandalfs your vas deferens.

So we’re officially only a couple years off from male birth control. And… I’m still not sure I’m sold. So let’s talk about this. I mean, the idea seems great. In theory. Why should I have to be the one to pollute the interstitial freeways of the meat puppet I live in with side effect inducing hormones? Bishes be cray as it is. Why exacerbate the scenario by adding more of the hormone.. Read More

Bellybutton challenge: jokes on U.S.?

I thought things couldn’t get worse than the cinnamon and chili pepper challenges. But this latest finger-navel reach-around business somehow manages to be a universe and a half worth of worse. If it’s new to you, here’s an Asian celeb doing it: And this show off:

STD scare? There’s a clap App for that

Okay. “Clap App” may not be what they call it. But they totally should. Let’s call a thing a thing. Poke a little fun at your current sitch after unprotected poking. Because what’s more hilarious than someone who has an app on their phone dedicated to furtively Fed Exing chlamydia kits (gonorrhea too!) to your personal residence? Let’s just think about this for a moment. Why do you have the apps you have.. Read More

Slighted lover slices stuff impeccably to spite ex

And now, for a video of someone who makes post-breakup me look moderately sane: I mean, I’ve heard of cutting off your nose in spite of your face. But cutting half your nose in spite of your mate? What’s he got after the high of power dicing his possessions is over? I’ve seen this kinda stuff before. The self-sabotage retaliation. For a lotta chicks, they’ll do that Lifetime original dramatic reaction to getting.. Read More