Miss Ashley Pants

Could these boobie induced car crashes serve a higher purpose?

That annoying “guy on the back of the truck” ad is distracting enough for me. (Part of me wants whoever created this to be smeared on truck-back. Part.) But giant jugs, cupped by headless hands – on a van? Yeah, my car would be playing vehicle volleyball all the way down the road. And that’s exactly what happened when this ad agency in Russia sent these puppies parading down the freeway. About 517.. Read More

Said no doctor ever.

I need to go back to the doctor. I’ve got this annoying blah-blah-blah (insert condition you don’t wanna hear about). But every time before I go in there, I feel like I’m auditioning for his attention, care, and correct diagnosis that’ll actually help. My mama always taught me that you get roughly 10 seconds (overestimate) to make an impression on a medical professional. After that, they kinda stop listening to you and have.. Read More

Let’s pitch the dishware together (confessions of an angerlholic)

Anorexic. Addict. Bulimic. Bipolar. Crazy. Depressed. You can go through the whole alphabet and probably find some manifestation of that inner turmoil we all feel at some point in our lives. We get a bit of sadness, feel a bit of imbalance, and either have the self-awareness to fix it on the spot, or let it evolve into some dauntingly vast chakra chasm where all your life goals, relationships, and simple maintenance tasks.. Read More

Life advice to ladies from a rando dude? Why not?

“12 posts facebookers need to stop right now.” “20 things you should do before you graduate.” “5 foods that’ll make your sex organs mutate into something outta a porn.” I get just as drawn into these kinds’a links as the next person. Even more so, though, I get drawn into the drama I inevitably know will ensue the moment I mosey on down to the comment section below the article I’ve just clicked.. Read More

RFTKV: Root for the kinda villain – Beatrice Kiddo

In Volume II of Kill Bill, Bill’s bro asks Elle: “Do you feel regret? Or relief?” There were a lot of great villains in that movie, but I think of all the villains, the obvious one – Beatrice – has to be my favorite because she harbors my two favorite other “R” qualities for not-quite-villains I like to root for: ruthlessness and revenge. I dig a character with a vendetta – one who.. Read More

Salvia smokers make me glad I never did it.

“If morphine causes euphoria, a kappa agonist causes dysphoria.” The quote comes from a hippie doctor in a recent VICE article. And he’s referencing salvia. You may’ve heard of this stuff from when Hannah Montana smoked it a while ago and then subsequently morphed herself and her crew into real-time furry cabaret carnival in concert. I’d heard about salvia a bit earlier – in college – when a friend tried it. His detailing.. Read More

Misophonic masochist: why do I keep doing this to myself?

Nope. Can’t do it. Okay, maybe I’ll try one more ti–… NOPE. I’m sorry! I’m sorry. I gave it my all. Really. I tried several months ago. And then I tried again last night. And then I tried again today when VICE posted this thing synchronistically about it, but I just can’t. I can’t… with ASMR. And this one might just be the worst I’ve heard yet. Go on, try it. See if.. Read More

May the force de-wet you…

What sorcery is THIS? I’ll let you guess via the following little quiz: 1. A high tech tool for sexy time. 2. A replica for Dubai’s next unnecessary giant revolving lounge bar at the top of a towering building that’s high enough to get an excellent view of the impoverished masses starving below as they build the next one. 3. A toy microphone collaboratively created by Fisher Price and Apple. 4. An umbrella… Read More

People who found things where they shouldn’t’ve

Should we make this a thing now? I feel like we should make this a thing now: “People who found things in places you should never find such things…” We can work on the title. But for now, we’ll just work with what we’ve got. And this week, we’ve got three. Three things you should never, ever, under any circumstances find where these people found them: 1. A mouse – at the bottom.. Read More

Slabitat for humanity and the 3D apocalypese

What’s Italian, metallic, and has three arms? If you guessed “a transformer Ferrari in its transitional stages of sexy car to tower sized robot, like a transgender betwixt top and bottom surgeries”… you… might be right. And I totally applaud you for thinking outside the box. But just for today, we’re going to go ahead acknowledge someone else who thought outside the box – by making life-sized boxes for the impoverished members of.. Read More