Miss Ashley Pants

Strippers sans the glitter

A childhood friend of mine moved to France several years ago and took up pole dancing. As a hobby, I mean. Like – not to earn sticky singles with baguette and cheese crumbs on them (or whatever other stereotypical reference I can put in there). And stereotypical was kinda what I passed off her new pastime as being, initially. You know? The whole “that’s so French…” thing people say when someone drinks wine.. Read More

I fux wit F.lux (2 day experiment with amber-lit devices)

I sleep in three hour increments at most. Every damned night. It’s to the point where I put off even laying down. Instead, I just sit up and think productive, philosophical thoughts about the universe. It doesn’t matter when I lay down – the story’s always the same. And I only have myself to blame. Because I know what I need to avoid doing to sleep better and I still do it anyway:.. Read More

Video game vampires

Volunteering time and service is hard enough. Volunteering my scarlet life oil that commutes through my body tubes each day? Psshhha. Don’t people get paid for that? I’m kidding. Kind of. And by that, I mean – that’s the first selfish thought that comes to my mind. And the second thought is “Yes. People get paid for that.” And then the third thought is: “Instead, I’ll just not press the ‘close doors’ button.. Read More

Fired up over water

I drink a lot of water – but not enough, apparently. (^Good indication you’re either drinking enough water or too much coffee.) Truth is, if I had enough money, I’d probably get in the suggested three liters a day because I’d either buy out the Aquafina in the store (and be one of those parasites of the earth contributing to more of the plastic problem) or buy a reverse osmosis filtration system. That.. Read More

A very unboring board game…

Given the “men get domestically abused too, but no one cares” trend lately, I’m happy to share this woman: Looks so bedraggled, you’d think she got the beating. Nope! This woman went straight to jail without collecting $200. But if you add another zero to that figure, that’s Alyssa Ferraro’s bail – for slapping her dude across the face during an intense match of Monopoly. And despite not bothering to pass go pre-handcuffs,.. Read More

Being a paintball target pays HOW much?

As I lay face down in dirt and injured on that beautiful day in 2008, I thought: “I… do … not.. *cough*… get paid enough for this.” Meanwhile, the monstrous dog (Arden was his name) that’d just pulled me down danced clumsily around me, celebrating his victory. I was working at a vet back then. And the thing is, falls and scrapes and bruises came with the territory. I knew that when I.. Read More

Some prefer facts. Some preFergu(es)son.

When it comes to Ferguson, you can’t deny the facts. And one thing which will always remain a fact about Ferguson: …is that it was the name of Clarissa’s little brother. Bad joke. Epic gif. Because that’s exactly what I wanna do to the hashtag for this case by now. I didn’t watch the court case on this thing because I didn’t feel like sharing a genuine “whodabadguy” opinion on it. It’s not.. Read More

5 things I saw this week that might make you cry laugh.

Are you consumed with a contagious case of the Mondays? Well if you weren’t such a seriousness slut all the time, maybe you’d not have contracted it. Shhh shhh. It’s okay, though. I’m here to help with an antidote ready in hand. So before you carry on with your day – infecting everyone with your emotional AIDS – let’s pause and take an intravenous comedy shot together: 1. This dog reacting to this.. Read More

Once upon a Saturday….

Once upon a Saturday …(around the time Cinderella and I both turn into a pumpkin)… …I was putting my socks on… A six-year-old’s feet: Her: “They almost fit!” Me: “Yes, they do! My feet are pretty small – but not as small as yours.” Her: (Sigh) “I guess that’s part of growing up, am I right?” Let me backtrack for some context here: A friend of mine had been called in to assist.. Read More

Lazy and Afraid in the literary wilderness

Sometimes I find myself lapsing into lazy, noncommittal, or masked language. And I hate it. Know what I mean – by “lazy” language? No? I don’t just mean a hashtag you’re not even using sarcastically. I mean replies like “LOL” when I’m not really laughing (which – if we’re having a real life conversation – might be a quiet, “that’s so funny…”). Or it might be: “Oh that’s cool.” I call these lazy.. Read More