Miss Ashley Pants

DisDeppointment of the day

What an effing disappointment. I got all excited to hear Johnny Depp’s doing a new flick (and that he’s playing the big bad wolf, no less), only to learn two seconds later – that it’s a musical. What a horrible joke to play on me right at that point in the day where I need some good news in order to curb that nagging pang in my abdomen, avidly encouraging me to just.. Read More

Middle school haircuts… with a purpose.

To my ladies: ever cut off your own hair as a kid? And then your mom yelled at you all the way to the hairdresser? Who subsequently fashioned the top of your head into the tip of a penis? I was going to hunt down an actual retro-me photo, when I happened upon this near-doppelganger film still of Jim instead. I shitchya not – there’s a photo of me at my childhood home.. Read More

Snack and Whack Panda trumps Bad Touch Bears

I once shared how the “Bad Touch Bears” ruined my childhood. (It was like this, except pre-recorded and more horrifying. And my face was exactly like Tweak’s.) It was bad enough in its irony. The moment these furry Winnie The Pooh-esque creatures graced the screen of my first grade classroom T.V. set, I was reminded of my favorite honey-philiac and his gangly human pal. Even the static speckled screen created that cozy familiar.. Read More

ReneeGate and why we should be nice

I think every girl’s stood in front of a mirror, dreaming of body tweaks. After Kim Novak was issued a permanent Mickey Rourke mask (poor dear lamb) from her quack of a doctor, I wasn’t sure if I could be surprised again by another celebrity transmogrification. But I stood corrected when I saw Renee Zellweger’s new face gracing my Facebook. That’s not meant to be cruel, mind you. And at first, people didn’t.. Read More

Youthful Fashion: Hooker, hobo, or schoolboy?

It’s always nice to hear people say you don’t look your age. (Assuming they don’t mean you actually look a decade older thanks to sins of your past). But I always assumed before people were just being nice – until more recently. What’s the change? Is it the lifestyle mods? Or could it be the less makeup/more cardio combo I’m rocking? This past year, I tried (for the first time ever since I.. Read More

Snoozephrenia

I admit, I read this sleep study with my typical smile and nod. Same reaction I generally have for most woo woo that I can’t relate to. I mean, something about the position I sleep in speaking to my own personal character, mental state, or relache proclivities just seems kinda horoscope-y to me. But, I try to be open minded. So I heard out the results of this survey study done in a.. Read More

The science of leftovers: reheated noodles – good for you?

“I’ll just have leftovers…” Ah, this shame filled phrase has followed many a regrettable night in my early twenties – after which I’d rise in the late afternoon, just barely reentering my body in time to watch the sun set and feel existential questions rise from deep down in my turning tummy. There’s a kind of guilt that goes with opening a mostly empty fridge. Hearing the low buzz. Seeing the white carry.. Read More

Breaking’s Bad for a jogging junkie

So, I skipped a day of jogging today. It’ll be fine, they said (The audience, that is, that posts in my head like a relentless online forum). A break will be good, they said. Mmmyeah… I haven’t felt this awful since that time I quit painkillers and valium simultaneously and my skin started doing what ocean water does right before it turns into a tsunami intent on ingesting Japanese folk en masse like.. Read More

Chimney creep

What’s sooty, soapy, and filled with the sounds of Jackhammers? Why, a two hour rescue mission by firefighters to free a crazy intruder bish from the chimney of her internet boo’s abode, of course. Ya know, it’s funny, I’ve had that “Tyler” song by the Toadies stuck in my head for two days now (fun 90’s band with more than one catchy tune about creepy murder stalkers #nostalgia). And then, lo and behold,.. Read More

What would YOU like to drink? From these boobs?

Remember that story about the truck boobs? The one I literally just wrote? Where the ad company just wanted to see how much attention boobs would attract? But they didn’t put an actual ad on it? Even though I went out of my way to say how great the whole debacle could have been for preventing further distraction-related crashes, I think I may officially have another advertisement for these for wheeled torpedoes: Japanese.. Read More