Miss Ashley Pants

Noobs on Boobs

So, it was one thing when our beautiful "Clueless" Cher of the ska era 90's (with its plaid skirts, knee high stockings, and mary janes) maternally morphed into "nom-nom" mom, living by "The Kind Life", swearing by all things vegan, "loving to hang" clothes on a line to dry, and... yes... pre-masticating meals for her mini-man prior to feeding him mouth-to-mouth:

Eh....I'm leaving that one alone.

Anyway, it's quite another matter to be among the mass of mamas who display their double bubbles in public for the world to see as they feed their infants. Sometimes, desperate times call for desperate measures. Your baby's hungry, there's nowhere to hide, and you left the baby-boob cover-up blanket at home.

Exceptions (I suppose) exist here.

Now, I've said it once, and I'll say it again: I'm not a mom, and I don't intend to ever become one; So I don't know what this allegedly beautiful, wonderful, intimate experience of breastfeeding comprises. It could be the most fabulous thing there is about which I will never know. I don't know. What I do know, however, is that there is a time and a place for everything. If you think the act of breastfeeding is special or cute or whatever, I can even understand documenting it via photographs for your own personal "Awwww... what a precious moment" reference later on.

Just don't share it with the public or even.... me (yes, I'm talking to you, crazy novelty store owner from Venice Beach who once forced me, Clockwork Orange style, to view a whole slideshow of his naked wife with their infant son, leaving me confused/wondering if I'd just witnessed over-the-top-sweetness or borderline incestual pedophilia)

I digress...

I don't want to see it. No one else I knew wanted to see it. So, this begs the question: Is posting it publicly for your extended family and friends to see necessary? Really?

Here's what I think is really funny, though.

The buxom broad below would probably tell you, "Don't judge me! You don't know meeee! Blah blah blah!"

I'm going to guess she'd say her corpulence is due to post natal weight not yet lost because she "just doesn't have the time yet". I'm going to guess she'd also argue that the act of breast feeding is natural and should thus be just as acceptable to post as the one she's likely to post in a couple years of the little brat dropping his first deuce in the training toilet.

I guarantee also, though, that she'd also say that while she has the right to post her own picture, that the following chick's pic is totally inappropriate, and that it's nothing like her own (which is actually half true, seeing as she's remarkably hotter, and the size of the fat girl's arms could almost be mistaken for an additional two tits)

Why would I say this? Because I've seen this hypocrisy of the double sized double standard moms firsthand. Incidentally, I don't want to hear that the woman above is "a model" ,"not representative" of normal women, or that "no moms look like that" after birth. I have at least a handful of girlfriends who managed to stay in shape and healthy all pregnancy long; it's called initiating self control after you've quit birth control.

But let's face it, any hot woman with a beautiful body can't possibly be a loving mother... I mean, if your fat ass can't manage to maintain balance of both yourbody and the one to which you gave birth, then no one else can either, right? The simple fact that one of these women knows how to not stuff her face excessively and can exercise portion control with respect to food, automatically reduces any sweetness she shares with her little one from "precious" to "porn".

Fail. So, all of you lose.

To clarify: Mark's last name's not "SUCKherboob". So, ladies, until the "rack rule" is equal for everyone, please: Nix the pics of newborn nipple nibbling, and if you want to make mammary memories, save those snappies for yourselves - not some social networking site.

<3~A

On “Miss Brick”

"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful!"

If you read the Daily Mail, the first thing that probably just came to your mind when you saw that phrase was the name, "Samantha Brick". After posting her column on how much attention she gets over her "looks", and how many friends she loses over "being beautiful", she saw some negative reception from women and men alike, quick to push her into a reality check by assuring her she "isn't that hot".

Is she? Isn't she?

Why don't we watch this clip of her reaction after assimilating the public's reception of her column, and then ask ourselves if either of those two questions are what's relevant at all:

So...the answer? Her attractiveness is irrelevant to the core issue. She's not bad for her age, she takes care of herself, and she deserves to say "I'm a beautiful woman".

But that's not the point.

If she's really concerned about "losing friends" or people being unfriendly toward her, like she claims, it just seems unlikely that every woman shuns her for either her looking or feeling like she looks aesthetically pleasing. SOME women may not like attractive women, but not all. Think of all the hot women who hang out in hoards and manage to maintain friendships with one another.

I truly think that there are more layers here than meet the eye with this woman, and one of them is clearly apparent inasmuch as she can't let the psychologist finish her fkkn sentence. That alone speaks volumes.

My eye roll at her column is not "you don't have a right to say you're beautiful out loud!" so much as "you don't have a right to conclude that if some women shun you, that means all women hate beautiful women OR that it's because of your perceived beauty versus something else you may be doing that you either don't realize you're doing or choose to deny you are doing".

Wordy, but probably close to the truth...

<3~A

Finally! (I Spit On Your Grave)

Get ready, ladies and gentlemen, because I'm about to ruin your day.

Or spoil this movie for you, at least.

For any other women who have ever been raped, violated, brutalized, or abused by a man, there's nothing about "I Spit On Your Grave" that you won't love. In fact, I'm quite sure most women lucky enough to have never endured such assault personally, will love it anyway.

Why? Because, finally, you get everything your typical "revenge-against-the-rapist" movies lack (which is namely that slow torturous deserved death we all want to see).

You know how when you're watching a film in which the victimized woman returns, pistol in hand, ready to dish out justice, and all she does is shoot the guy? And before he dies, you're yelling at the screen, "No! No! Cut off his junk and shove it in his mouth!"

Well, I hate to spoil this movie for you, but let's just say that you won't be yelling anything but "AWESOME" at the screen for this fantastic flick.

There are parts of the film that initially will remind you of "Last House on the Left" or "Deliverance", but I guess that there are only so many ways to reinvent the wheel when you're trying to create a rape/revenge movie that's set in the "middle of nowhere", ya know?

Since I'm sort of big on inconsistencies in film (sometimes to a fault), only a few things bothered me - just a few paradoxes and unanswered questions. For instance, how does a girl dumb enough to tell seedy looking horny hicks at a gas station that she's staying alone at a desolate cabin nearby, suddenly wisen up enough to hash out these intricate and creative torture setups?

Movie magic, I guess.

And at the end - what happens with the daughter of the sheriff? Is Jennifer only trying to make him fearful that she did indeed defile his angelic daughter somehow? Despite the minimal character development on Jennifer, I kind of doubt it.

However, that is neither here nor there. The film still wins all around for me. I hope I didn't ruin the entire movie for you, but it's still worth the watch, and I will leave all of you lovies by saying this much:

"I Spit on Your Grave" gives a whole new meaning to "An Eye For an Eye".

Oh, yeah, and a "Tooth for a Tooth"

And a HELL of a lot more.

xoxo
<3~A

Survival of the Richest

"For few to be immortal, many must die."
"No! If even one man must die, then no one should be able to be immortal!"

The nice thing about "In Time", is that you can just gather a trite takeaway message of "we should all treasure each day and loved ones and not waste bla bla..."

On the other hand, the film also is one of those that makes you re-visit your political beliefs. It causes you to reflect on the capitalist and socialist lectures you half listened to/half slept through while drooling onto the wooden school desk during the last period of high school humanities class.

In reality, you've got your naysayers and champions with their respective followings regarding socialism, or capitalism, or whatever. Then, you have this movie that comes along. And it comprises this fantastically metaphorical Robin Hood meets Bonnie and Clyde plot, wherein time itself - the new currency - is the deciding factor in how long you get to live.

For Salas, the combination of an encounter with a rich and ancient stranger coupled with the loss of his mom due to the seemingly unjust "time" system, sets him ripe for revenge; Ready to beat the system. Get a hot side kick! Kick ass! Take names! (and numbers), etc. It's got all the facets of a good high energy action flick.

For the viewers, suddenly, when time itself is really money, the whole concept of "socialism" suddenly doesn't seem like such a bad idea after all! I mean, like Timberlake's character says in the film, if even one man dies, no man should be allowed to live forever. That's the same thing as "If even one man is near-death dirt poor, then no man should be disgustingly rich with more money than synapses in his brain", right?

Wrong.

Now, I'm not going to say "Boo socialism... Yay capitalism" or vice versa. I'm not big into championing one thing or another. What I do enjoy, though, is stating facts. And, logically, when it comes to money - if everyone got money for free all the time - you'd have lazy ass video gamer boy-men who never grew up , directionless bitch girls who party all the time, addicts... oh wait!

That reminds me! I think I have an example straight from the movie to prove my point: Tell me, what happens when Salas gifts ten free years to his best friend? Does he... I dunno... drink himself to death?

Yes. The answer is yes.

Sidenote: Anyone else wonder how you stay best friends with someone for ten years and not realize they're a raging alcy who is just going to waste their money on booze? It's not like he exactly hides it...
(Other sidenote - I love that they cast Leonard from BBT to play him)

Digressing...

I'm not knocking socialism as a hypothetical - if time were literally money. And in the real world, there is always going to be a drawback to any economical system that is in place; However, in reality I can't help but ascribe to the mentality of there being merit in working hard to get where you want to be. Why should the lazy ass next to me have the same things I do if I busted my ass going to college and working every day?

However you want to look at it and whether you want to talk about how the "cliches in life are cliches for a reason", the truth of the matter is that however cute, symbolic, metaphorical, and all that crap this movie is, it is not the same. There's a difference between getting to have your dream wedding of massive cost versus getting to have a... well... funeral. "Standard of living" does not equal "not living at all".

Here, in the real world, time is not money.

Well, unless of course, you're my coworker, boss, etc. and you need to talk with me after my shift ends. Because I'm damn sure staying on the clock for that....

xoxo
<3~A

Code Blue – IVY Blue, that is.

So Beyonce finally "f'real" gave birth yesterday, to daughter "Ivy Blue Carter".

(Not New Years Eve, as everyone trolled about online, until it went viral, with a wrong name and all).

While I'm totally happy for the Power Couple and their firstborn, I couldn't help but be annoyed by the article regarding quotes from hospital staff:

Eff NO, you're not taking my cell phone!

I appreciate the need for the privacy of the superfamous. They are under a constant microscope. They can't sneeze without it making it to a magazine I inevitably end up reading while getting my hair done. And I get that the word "paparazzi" must be Italian for like... "mosquito" or something, because they truly are that annoying.

However, hospitals are a place for the sick and dying. If a doctor can't make his rounds or make a beeline to the patient who needs crashcart attention stat because some celebrity is giving birth, that's where the line needs to be drawn.

You Shall Not PASS!(To-Provide-Equal-Patient-Healthcare!!!)

The reason this article hit close for me, is because a year and a half ago, my mom had to have a much more important procedure done. She had a pancreatic cancerous cyst removed; And in this procedure, they cut you down the middle, break your ribs, open them like a book and go delving in like a mechanic. And she was ultimately given less-than-the-best medical attention. Why? Because the Prince of Persia or some other overseas asshat flew in on his magic carpet last minute just to be operated on by my mom's doctor.

Nevermind that she had booked out in advance. Forget that. This was full on red rope rejection. He had the whole second building closed off for himself, security, the works....

So annoying.

My point is this: While I'm not undermining your need as a celeb for medical attention, please realize that if your presence in a place of critical healthcare is going to disrupt the safety and health of others, and if you're *that* rich, don't you have the means to bring all those professionals to *you*? You've financial means beyond words! You could probably have everything medical that you need imported, including your own medical staff on call within a month of your giving birth.

But why would you want to spend your endless sea of c-notes when you can just save it for your own personal luxuries and disrupt everyone else's safety, health, and lives?

Note, this is not a dig specifically at Miss B. I love her work, and she's great, but this is not the first time I've seen this - both in the media - and more hurtfully, firsthand.

xoxo
<3~A

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