Miss Ashley Pants

Thanks, Michelle Obama…

Let’s pause and thank Glob for the delightfully sarcastic #ThanksMichelleObama trend. Honestly, I can’t tell what they’re feeding these poor kids these days. And neither can the kids being fed. In a superficial effort to battle childhood obesity, the first lady’s had the lunch ladies do a food reboot in schools. I say “superficial” because it’s like putting a pretty bow on a car crash. Those with power make appearances and sound off.. Read More

The wheels on the bus go round on brown…

“Mom?” “Yes, darling.” “If cars run on gas… why can’t we just fart into the engine?” “Don’t be crude, dear.” It was a legit question, given that I was only five years old. (Give or take about twenty years.) But my point is, I always wondered why ass gas couldn’t pass for fuel – a topic that seemed to always be an issue. Even if you had no concept about gas or where.. Read More

Is Lammily really any better than Barbie?

So, they finally made a “more like a real girl” Barbie doll. And this is what the shit we get: Alright. So, the commercial is a cute stab at the ad industry liars. But I feel like this doll claiming to have “real girl” proportions misses the mark so badly that it almost makes their ad seem hypocritical. Or maybe just sarcastic. Especially with the frumpy ass clothes they give her. And the.. Read More

Ingredients for a life saving hell portal.

My inner Beavis is dancing. Especially after seeing this video on “I Fucking Love Science” today: While I’ve seen reactions sorta like it before, I don’t think they’ve had all quite the fiery spectacle element of this thing that looks like the kraken being released from the ninth circle of hell. My only gripes are that I wish that it lasted longer, I wish the seemingly sentient octupal ash monster were larger, and.. Read More

7 reasons I’m ph’real in schizo love-hate with Pharrell

Pharrell’s the pop icon version of ASMR to me and I can’t put my finger on why. So we’ll go with “how”. How do I love-hate thee, Mr. Williams? Let me count the ways… 1. He dances like an old man… and makes it look really cool. This is like the dance version of Julia Roberts Syndrome (a term I’ve recently co-created with my mom for when the parts of someone’s face aren’t.. Read More

Do you look old enough to be called a “cougar”?

This post made my morning: (Always funny till it happens to a friend. Then it’s funnier.) I think she’s about six years older than me, which means (sorry, my love) that yes, yes you are in denial. For those who live under rocks and think “cougar” means some modern synonymous term for “bitch” or someth., a cougar is basically a 35+ year old woman who’s still hot enough to snipe some strange that’s.. Read More

Versace versus F.U. flip-flops

Who cares what you wear when you’re a billionaire? Better yet – is the non-caring what makes self-made successful people… successful? The opening scene of Clueless always felt like a cuter version of what we all go through in our heads upon opening the closet doors in the morning. Does it match? Is it right for today? How did my crotchless chaps get from the dungeon up to my daytime wardrobe? Too many.. Read More

Michael Phelps likely never dated this poor misguided tranny.

“Michael Phelps’ girlfriend admits she was born a man; had corrective surgery.” Wait, what? “Corrective”? Since when is being born a boy a mistake? Is she a swimmer too? Is that why she nipped her knob off? To move faster through the water? And who’s been accosting this anonymous creature so ardently that she’s suddenly felt compelled to “admit” it? And subsequently “lose” her Olympian boyfriend? The questions are endless already. But my.. Read More

6 Things to do in Buffalo when you’re snowbound

Jesus, Mary, and Snowseph, winter’s here in a big way, already! I’m not in New York or anything, but as we share the same coast and aren’t that far apart, I had to admit these snappies of the flakey downpour in Buffalo certainly had me checking my calendar to make sure it’s still only November. Do we usually start the ice works this early? Or at least, this much? Now that I think.. Read More

Change, for change’s sake!

I was still in bed when I read the email saying work payments were moving to a new app. That was my initial reaction. See, the app, which I’ve since begun using and fallen in passive lust with (‘cause it does all the work for you), is a fast cash program put out by Square. And while I’m thus far really, really, really enjoying its benefits, the morning I got this news couldn’t.. Read More