Miss Ashley Pants

Zami chair: new technology for your but

Roll over, physioball. There’s a new piece of fitness-freak office furniture on the cubicle block. Called the “Zami Smart”, this silhouette-of-a-tombstone looking thing is supposed to improve upon your run of the mill butt rest by… reprimanding you. That’s right. Say sionara to your enabler seat who’s been condoning this egregious posture of yours reminiscent of a masturbatory monkey. The same posture that makes you turn around and spend half your paycheck on.. Read More

Wet Hot American Summer is a series now?!

Wait… there’s a “Wet Hot American Summer” Netflix series? When the sweater fondler did this shiz happen? You see? This is the karmic injustice I end up getting dealt for nearly never watching T.V. anymore. I miss out on the good stuff. I end up outta the loop about the fact that one of my favorite summer camp movies is being made into hours of entertainment for me to waste my life away.. Read More

Cyborg surgery – coming soon!

“Better, same, or worse?” *click click* “Better? Or just smaller?” I’m not sure which part about going to the optometrist for a prescription update I hate more. It could be the never-ending exam. Or it might be the bit where I’ve gotta try to decipher the top line of letters on a wall sheet (when I can’t even see the sheet. Or the wall). Then again, it could just be the torture chamber.. Read More

I can teach this fish to walk?

It was somewhere around 5ish when the sushi craving began to take hold. Don’t ask me why I referenced Fear and Loathing just now, but I expect it’s likely the fact that all I could think of was that scene with the melting reptilian bog dwelling creatures as I went from having said craving… to reading this article about a walking fish. Perfect timing. Not that I eat fish anyway anymore, but every.. Read More

5 beauty lies I tell myself. And by myself, I mean you.

Part of my spiritual path is making others feel better about themselves. Ya know? Showing others how beautiful they are and all that? So, today, as I was ritualistically caking assorted liquids and powders on the front of my skull, I thought, “What better way to do that than to call on another part of my spiritual path? The part where I’m meant to be honest?” You see, in writing, I love metaphors.. Read More

Human Centipede director hopes somepsycho copies his work

Well, kinda. It’s implied by director Tom Six, at least, in this VICE interview I just read: In the movies, characters keep repeating that this stuff is 100 percent medically accurate, and that you could really do it. It almost seems like it’s your intention to make somebody copy it. Do you want someone to create a real human centipede? Uh… It would be great marketing, of course, if it ever… I don’t.. Read More

Why the fluff should I forgive YOU?

I love a good quote. ‘specially one dubbed “PHUCKYOQUOTE”: (Eff your quote? Or Eff YOU? Misspelled?) Either way, I found this little line of thought to be particularly interesting today. Espesh with respect to that one line on “forgiveness”. Mostly ‘cause I myself have been trying to strike a balance lately between not being an asshole while also authentically expressing my genuine feelings and respecting my own needs. And how’m I doing? Well,.. Read More

The upside of the robot apocalypse

Something dawned on me yesterday. Something that launched a cascade of mental mastication. I was just enjoying my evening jog and thinking about the kinds’a things every normal human does during such excursions. Like, for instance, what life’s gonna be like when the brain-ternet gets here. Ya know? When we all have the web readily available since it’s gonna be an app embedded in our skulls? No screen tapping. No consulting sexy-lady voices… Read More

That bra *really* compliments you. No. Literally.

When you think about it, we’re all already kinda sorta cyborgs. Half-human, half-machine. I mean, really. Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t think of that glassy plastic brick you check every point four seconds as an extra limb? Or that the day they cut the ribbon for the grand opening of the Apple implant plastic surgery center… that you won’t be the first in line to get one installed.. Read More

Am I a wanderlust mutant?

“We choose to go to the moon in this deCADE and do the otha’ thangs! Not becahz they ah’ easy – but because they ah’ hah’d!” (See below for actual, OG, non-racist-against-Northerners quote): For whatever reason this line always comes to mind when I’m intentionally putting extra ladles full of effort helpings on my plate – whether it’s more work, running out on a rocky terrain, or seeing how much I can get.. Read More