Miss Ashley Pants

Self-forgiving: cure for procrastination? Or a procrastinate-y cure?

Am I watching science news here? Or an episode of Soul Pancake? Recent research is claiming that when it comes to tasks like test preparation or deadline meeting, we may not be able to salvage that “too late” point between something like a professor’s announcement and exam – but what we can do is improve our chances of not setting a screw-yourself-over precedence for the future by eschewing self-flagellation. And subbing in some.. Read More

Dr. Oz is not the cause of your probs

“We’re off to buy prescriptions! Prescriptions from T.V. doc Oz! Because because because because… E-ver-y-body else does!” (Ya know, instead of that suggestible marionette meatwad ya got in there?) I may sound like I’m slamming Dr. Oz here, but I’m actually about to do the opposite. Seriously, did he refuse to join the illuminati or something? ‘cause homeboy’s been under some serious fire of late with all these stories popping up about how.. Read More

Naked & Ashamed: Hubby cheats with twin. Epic revenge by wifey.

If you’re a dude, you’ve probably thought of schmexing up two twins at once. Bonus points if they’re not prozzies. Questionable bonus points if one’s your wife’s twin sister and they’ve both agreed because you’re just that persuasive (questionable because: incest). And negative points to the wizards of DickinWhore if it’s just with your wife’s twin sister – and wifey doesn’t know about it. Until she finds you porking her. In a car… Read More

5 ways Sellmyfriend.com could be useful

I’m late to the party, apparently, but I’ve just found Sellmyfriend.com And it’s so brilliant in its god-awulness that my day’s been made before I’ve even finished my second cup of coffee. The premise is essentially this: You’ve got a friend who can’t find a lover on their own – or you’re just a hose nose who can’t mindaya damn business, so you go on this site and make a dating profile for.. Read More

Science says: we exhale our fat. Wait… what?

When Russell Simmons went to his first yoga class, it wasn’t to get some inner peace. It was to get some outer piece. While that changed drastically for him since that first visit, I think that’s what attracts a lot of people – men and women alike. Men wanna ogle dat ass. Chicks wanna own it. But – as many times as I’ve heard these transformation stories and people have tried to explain.. Read More

Kim Jong Un’s the Grinch who stole Christmas – starting Franco’s film.

So, Kim Jong Un has officially ruined my Christmas. “The Interview”, which was about to be released on Christmas Day has been scrapped (along with some other Steve Carrell film that no one cares about as much). And my heart is broken. There aren’t many movies I look forward to seeing, but this was one of ‘em. All because of a little boy in an emperor’s clothing who can’t take a little satire.. Read More

To free – or knot to free?

Screw black holes and the holographic universe theory. No one cares. What I really require is a detailed, scientific explanation for: Why I have to spend my days trying to free up knots and kinks. (Knot what I meant…) Finally, the beautiful minds of the world unraveled mine by explaining why knot-unraveling is so not easy. You know what I mean – there are the Christmas lights (an obvious one). Or those headphones.. Read More

Residential revenge

Are all apartment complexes this bad? Or have I just gotten chronically un-lucky the past five years with loud upstairs neighbors? And random fees? You may be right, my friend. But not before a rant. Starting with the neighbors above: The last lot had a buncha kids rolling in every afternoon like a herd of ADHD elephants being chased by cheetahs. They remained there for a good time, smoking weed wrapped in Swisher.. Read More

Popdates for your moribund souls.

I hesitate to use “celebrity” and “news” in the same sentence. But as my social media feeds slowly become inundated with stories and snapshots of things I never asked to see in the first place, I can’t help but feel bewildered about a few things that make the entirety of reality feel like it’s unraveling. Thus, I’m sharing a few pop-dates with you this week. (pop updates). It’s like pop culture popcorn for.. Read More

Buylimia is the new bulimia.

Sometimes, when I start to get bored of my privileged life, I generate first world problems. “I’m too comfortable to get up and pee…Ugh.” “I don’t wanna shower ’cause I’ll be cold for two seconds before I can towel off. Ugh.” “I have to press a button on the wall to cool down in summer…Ughhhh.” “My parents care about me too much… YES, I got here safely. UGH.” “I wasted this fantastic ensemble.. Read More