I feel like commercials have just given up altogether lately.
Granted, I don’t watch much T.V. (unless it’s a series or documentary OnDemand I’ve specifically sought out) much anymore, so it’s hard to know what the majority of stuff is out there. But between the shiz that manages to filter through my AdBlock somehow and the stuff that ends up on my Facebook feed because someone thinks it’s funny, I manage to see more than I’d like to. Which, ideally, would be zero. Especially after this Sprite ad I wish I could un-see.
Which was banned.
Can’t imagine why.
Maybe you can tell me:
Really, Sprite?
You might say I’m being a bit of a hypocrite because I did say not a month ago that I liked American Apparel for its blunt sexual advertising. However, that was because it was a clothing company. Clothing covers your naked body. Your naked body reminds people of sex. Because sex and the shaming of it was the reason excessive clothing became such a historical imperative. Hashtag Victorian Era. You see? It makes sense to tie those two in together. Plus, they inject a message I like with it. And don’t use sweatshops. But what’s sex got to do with soda, though? What’re we gonna do? Order a pizza with it and have fat sex? Splosh? Take the bottle and shov-… Okay. We’re getting off topic here, you sicko. The point is, this is the same company that has those montages of everyday people helping out eachother and donating to the homeless and all that heartwarming shit around Christmastime. It’s like it’s a carousel of approaches catering to your natural human tendencies, from sex to selfless service, and then putting a price tag on it. Despite all of this, I could maybe excuse it if there was some effing substance to it.
But much like the drink itself, it’s just full of meaningless, trivial, air.
After watching it a couple times, trying to figure out the punchline, I couldn’t. There is no punchline, just a donkey punch demand at the end of “OBEY YOUR THIRST” communicated through a girl (who I’m pretty sure I’ve seen before on the red carpet… of the AVN’s) as she prays before a chocolate phallic altar. I’m no prude, as you may’ve figured out by now. Concepts like sex, violence, and the like can all be pretty hilarious if employed the right way – subtly, ironically, surprisingly. But this softcore soft drink ad was just entirely unimaginative and boring. Can you tell me the point? Is it that she hates fellatio so much that she has to pretend it’s a bottle of fizzy carbonated sugar water to get through it? Like when James Franco pretends his piss is Sauvignon Blanc so that he can drink it and not die of dehydration in a canyon? Why do it at that point, even? Unless someone’s holding an axe to your head or something…
Or is it supposed to be that Sprite is such a motivator that it supercharges your DS’ing skills? That must be it. And that’s why his face goes all Arnold-on-Mars-without-a-space-helmet before his guy geyser drowns the poor bish? Maybe that’s the message here. I’m not being marketed to. My boyfriend is. Give me a sprite for fellatious inspiration, my love. It’ll turn my face into a lubricated Hoover, my love. Obey your thirst and I’ll obey my inner thirsty ho, my love.
That’s if your member can penetrate all this facepalm.
This wasn’t banned for being too graphic.
It was banned because it’s the epic-est uncreative fail that ever there was.