I heard an interesting theory today:

“Some people just have bad luck.”

Granted, there was a concession made – that through our level of awareness and lifestyle choices, we can either exacerbate or mitigate that. But that, despite all of that, some people just have a misfortune storm cloud hanging above them like some sentient inimical cumulonimbus. Like I said, it’s an interesting theory. I just, ya know, don’t share it. At all. What I believe is that bad luck is something you have – the moment you say you do.

To each his own, I suppose.

But, if you’re one of these mythically special people I’m told exist – who perpetually bear bad luck but never blame for unhappy accidents – I have a challenge for you. Just something to try. For fun. (‘cause I’m told by people -who’ve come out the other side of the bad-luck monsoon and now have nada but normal life they deal with – that this works.) For the next month, avoid the words “I have bad luck” or “WHY, GOD WHY?!” or any of their negative Nancy cousins. Even if it’s 100% true. Just don’t say it. And what do you do with yourself while the words to decry your deity’s cruelness are tangibly on your tongue – so much so that you’re breaking out into a sweat? Immediately – either right before or after you say “Ah, shit”, you start making what I like to call a solution list. Take a car crash, for example. Alright. It just happened. Glass and rubber bits all around. What a mess.

Ah! Not another word!

Now, make a list, starting with “Get the insurance info”, crossing out “beat idiot driver with crowbar in backseat rape kit”, ending with “Call the mechanic who still fixes your shiz for ridiculously cheap”, and post-scripting with “Thank GOD I have a mechanic who fixes my shiz for ridiculously cheap”. Heh. Look at that. We gleaned a positive from this whole mess. Not willing to give this effective exercise you have no reason not to a try? Might wanna ask yourself why not. Because right now, this current method I’m observing you perform doesn’t seem to be gaining you good luck – or any pity from those around you. Mostly because they know you’re smarter than that. And if they don’t, I do. I have faith that you know there’s a workaround that resides within you.

Or maybe I’m wrong.

Maybe you’re unlucky, the rest of us don’t work hard at simplifying life, and also: our diarrhea smells like daffodils.

You tell me by answering this:

When you relinquish personal responsibility over unwelcome life events to some ill-intentioned cosmic entity and reinforce that by acknowledging it out loud every day, does that make it go away? Or happen more? If the answer’s the latter, mayhaps ask yourself how much it’d hurt to try saying “I’m so lucky!” betwixt calamities. And then hunting down reasons and ways in which that’s true. Having trouble already?

I’ve been told that a good starting point is “I’m not on fire.”

But, if you need a few more, that’s what I’m here for:

1.) “My kids haven’t been murdered.”

2.) “My home’s not teaming with a sea of venomous serpents.”

3.) “The zombie apocalypse hasn’t happened yet.”
4.) “I have the house all to myself tonight.”
5.) “I have a house.”

Got any originals you wanna add yet?

Mmmmgreat. I love ’em all.

Keep going, darlin’.