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STD scare? There’s a clap App for that

Okay. “Clap App” may not be what they call it. But they totally should. Let’s call a thing a thing. Poke a little fun at your current sitch after unprotected poking. Because what’s more hilarious than someone who has an app on their phone dedicated to furtively Fed Exing chlamydia kits (gonorrhea too!) to your personal residence? Let’s just think about this for a moment. Why do you have the.. Read More

Slighted lover slices stuff impeccably to spite ex

And now, for a video of someone who makes post-breakup me look moderately sane: I mean, I’ve heard of cutting off your nose in spite of your face. But cutting half your nose in spite of your mate? What’s he got after the high of power dicing his possessions is over? I’ve seen this kinda stuff before. The self-sabotage retaliation. For a lotta chicks, they’ll do that Lifetime original dramatic.. Read More

4 reasons to put a ‘bucks up in the club

Ya know, that last ridiculous-sizes-at-Starbucks article got me thinking. Thinking about drinking. And partying. Don’t give me that look. I mean, the two topics might not seem similar enough to compare to one another, but seeing as the previous piece’s topic was indeed about excess (with those venti and venti plus beverages they push over there), it kinda sorta does. But, in a good way. Prospectively. Cause (as usual) I.. Read More

Amy’s doing a veggie drive through?!

Amy’s is starting a fast food chain? Be.Still.My.Heart Actually, to be fair, heart stopping is more McDonald’s and Burger King’s thing, what with those artery clogging collations they offer ‘n all. Amy’s, on the other hand, will imminently be offering (and if you’ve had their soups and other packaged dinners you already know this) an all veggie based menu… And, yes, it’ll be done fast food style. While I typically.. Read More

How death dealing dirt cliffs teach you confidence

“Confidence.” For some reason, this word was banging around in my brain during my first run of the day. That happens a lot to me, but usually it’s stupid terms that end up having silly and useless synchronicity I can’t do anything with (like that time I couldn’t get the word “bike” outta my head – and when I went to the gym, that was the only machine open #CosmicEyeroll)… Read More

Starbucks’ sizes are weird because you’re fat.

Gather round, children. I’ve had a life changing epiphany. I finally get why the sizes at Starbucks are so effing weird. You know what I mean, right? Like, how “grande” would actually be “large” compared to the smaller size they call a “tall”. But then that can’t be right, ‘cause they’ve got the “venti” – which is actually what we consider the biggest – so it makes negative zero sense.. Read More

This year’s boyfriend application: must be a cheater

Gee, is it already time for the annual AshleyPants boyfriend applications to be distributed? Time sure does fly. And, fortunately for you, it will go by just as fast when you’re filling it out. ’cause there’s only, like, one requirement on it. Or maybe two. I forget. So let’s review: Point one: Must be smart enough to pass a TEAS exam for entry into PTA school. Point two (Oh, look… Read More

Eff casual Friday. I want baseball cap Everydays.

I’m only a few weeks into working outside the home, but I already would like to make a motion. Specifically – for baseball caps to be part of the accepted attire. Not just at my awesome new job. I mean everywhere – at every job. (Even tyrants in training) ’cause in the past year, my own go-to head shield of choice has come to be an extension of my scalp… Read More

Just another reason to adore Zella Day

So, Zella Day made my day by releasing this new music video: Granted, not much is happening here. But if you read my prior pieces on her, you’ll know I could watch this bish watch paint dry and still be mesmerized. (Anyone who can pull off overalls and a bra without looking whorey wins some kinda affinity award from me.) Plus, it made me want to do what any blossoming.. Read More

What I learned from screw-icidal mice

Jesus. I thought I had a fckkd up relache with sex. But then I read about this animal today called the Antechinus – who forks for fourteen hours at a time, OD’s on his own testosterone, and then finally dies ‘cause his immune system goes out. (On the upside, he doesn’t have to stick around to raise the kids seeing as they’re burying his bones while he’s still got a.. Read More