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Series-ly, subtitle dude?

That’s not what she said at all. Try again, friend.

I wasn’t gonna watch the Miss Lohan show, but after giving it a chance one night, I admittedly got sucked into the unforgivable reality docuseries void. It sorta offered another side of the Cady character from what I’ve heard and… well heard (I didn’t see much up until this show). And this bitch I could relate to. Does she seem a bit “put on” in parts of it? Sure, but you can only play-pretend you’re other people professionally for so long before being that way comes second nature the second you spot a camera in proximity.

Also, that’s part of the fun in suffering addiction – that lost sense of identity, and what’s real.

So when she mentioned this “Ayahuasca” experience with a shaman, it struck something in me. While I’ve never tried the stuff (namely ‘cause I don’t know any Peruvian shamans), I have heard of these little tea parties – and it’s endlessly intriguing. The more I hear about other people’s accounts, the less I think it’s as crazy as people make it. It comes across as being more like an herbal tool for self actualization – crash course style.

How it works is people jet to Peru (or some other place that looks like the set of Tropic Thunder) to undergo a ritual. The itinerary includes DMT-tea (ayahuasca) and the guidance of some dude called a shaman who helps them draw out all the shit they’ve been subconsciously hiding. Depending on how willing they are to relinquish the lies they tell themselves everyday, they react in a really bodily way: belching, vomiting, even shitting themselves. Those more open to exhuming buried bullshit and letting it go, have a happier experience. For anyone, though, it sounds like a painfully productive, and ultimately exhausting experience. Oh, and they last like a few days or a week.

Not your typical watch-Pineapple-Express-again-and-get-high Friday night.

So, why’s it shrouded in mystery (and illegality here in ‘murica)?

I often wondered this myself. Even more so, I wondered about the personal reasons people have for taking it instead of unraveling bit by bit. One dude in the documentary “Ayahuasca Project” brought up a good point while chatting with a friend who’d just returned from a ritual. He said something to the effect of, “It seems like a spiritual shortcut. People earn that level of awareness through years of meditation. They work hard for it. It could be seen as taking the easy way.”

Dude does have a point. You can invest or you can ingest. A rat study last year showed the mammalian pineal gland can pump out its own DMT (ayahuasca’s active ingredient). And those who do long term intense meditation tend to find this out and either freak out or geek out.

(Odyssey cat later OD'd on DMT from OM'ing before nomming DMT rat.)
(Odyssey cat later OD’d on DMT from OM’ing before nomming DMT rat.)

There’s nothing mystical about it.

So what. Science got updated and your brain makes drugs.

What is mystifying though is that people should get to choose whether they want a cranial ipecac versus spending life in therapy. ’cause I mean, if my brain meat can make DMT but it can’t make coffee – why is there a McJava Chain when I hafta fly into an Ace Ventura sequel to seek something endogenous?

The other part of the “personal reason” debate concerns peeps like Lindsay, suffering the disease of addiction. Whether you look at a shamanic sesh as being like going to the dentist and getting a nice narcocktail intravenously (which many will argue “doesn’t count” against clean time) or as a really productive relapse (that ironically condenses a 12 step program from a plant into your dome), the idea with these quaint lil adventures is not a carousel mentality of “keep coming back” like it’s an NA or AA or OA or CA meeting.

Seriously, though. Why isn't there just one thing called "Addicts Anonymous?"
Seriously, though. Why isn’t there just one thing called “Addicts Anonymous?”

The idea is to use whatchya learn.

In fact, the wife of another Ayahuasca imbiber was trying to be accepting about her husband’s attempts to work through his problems Peruvian vine style so they could fix their relache back home. But she said something like, “I feel like you’re living from one ritual to the next.”

Hit nail on the non pointy side there.

The idea is to come home and integrate what you’ve learned into daily life – apply the DMT wisdom to dynamics – not treat it like a fix.

As with weed or other natural herbs, Ayahuasca seemingly helps heaps of troubled souls. I don’t think I’d like it (mostly because I don’t love the idea of sharting on some sweet unassuming shaman). But despite my default belief that I’m the only one in the world, I realize I’m not.

Thus, I think it’d make more sense to make this herb legal but regulated – as a judiciously, moderately doled out and monitored med for therapeutic purposes.

But that – moderation – is a rule that goes for any quest we take on. Whether you’re contemplating some secret mantra in an ashram or rocking back n forth in a South American hut – you apply insight one ya get it.

Or as philosopher Alan Watts once said, “If you get the message, hang up the phone.”


“Fine, then we’ll go where it’s legal!”