“What an idiot,”

I thought as I shade-threw at the girl in the lane next to me who was texting on a phone sheathed in a neon green otter box. “Way too easy for a cop to see,” I continued judging as I looked back down to finish my own text message her idiocy had interrupted. This is the part where the “I do it too” part of the joke sets in, you realize that I’m just as culpable (even though I only text at red lights), and then I yes-and with a serious-faced “It can wait” message to drive (pardon the pun) the important takeaway home while the humor analgesic’s still fresh in your brain folds. Ya know, the kinda message you see on a billboard. Or would see – if your few eyes-off-the-road moments weren’t spend glancing at your screen (if for no other reason than to see if any notifications have popped up).

If you’re laughing, it’s ‘cause you can identify.

Which basically means those messages we’re talking about are old news offenders are mentally deaf to.

They’ve become meaningless words – just like your parents’ good advice you don’t take.

But why here? When the stats don’t lie? Well, my guess (from personal, unforgivable experience) is that people still do it because – much like drunk driving – they think they’re better at operating impaired than others are. But the truth is, whether the impairment’s chemically internal or just some external distraction is irrelevant. We all look like we’re doing the slalom course when we pause to compose the most minimal article of communication. Especially if that damned autocorrect decides to be especially douchey on a day when I need to impart a prompt response (but can’t be bothered to pull over to do it). Like when IKR turns into ILY, destined for your friendzoned admirer to receive.

“Yes, officer? I’m very busy and important. How can I help you?” (#LoveActuallyQuotes)

So, if the admonishment message isn’t ending the kind that cause car crashes, then what’s the answer? I tend to think that whatever genius created this three lane walk/run/ and text setup at Utah Valley college may have a pretty good beta version of what the freeway future inevitably holds. I’d go into a full detailed explanache… but the picture kinda speaks for itself:

You might laugh, but let’s consider this a moment.

We’re not meant to speed on the freeway (the limit’s the limit right?) But God appreciated that people needed to pass eachother every so often. So on the eighth day, He created the passing lane. And then, just like that book that’s meant to be about Him, we misinterpreted it over time to mean the “fast lane”. Where the busy and important and I’m-late-because-Starbucks folk remain until a second before their exit whereupon they cross the other three in one swift, indicator-less motion. So, why not apply that logic to the text ‘n wreck peeps competing for the Darwin awards? Picture it. I’m thinking “beginner bowling lane” meets “Faces of Death”. But we’ll have to raise up those rubber sidings to avoid rubber necking on our end. Wouldn’t want their irresponsible carnage causing every lane on this side to be the slow lane.

Then again, we could just wait for the fix that’s coming soon enough.

(After Apple officially rules Earth – already halfway there, really.)

The one where every car in existence won’t run unless your phone’s plugged into something that powers it off.

Which you have to buy separately. From Apple.