I’m only a few weeks into working outside the home, but I already would like to make a motion.

Specifically – for baseball caps to be part of the accepted attire.

Not just at my awesome new job. I mean everywhere – at every job.

(Even tyrants in training)

’cause in the past year, my own go-to head shield of choice has come to be an extension of my scalp.

It began innocently enough – mostly wearing it for jogging, getting the mail, or for the duration of whatever short jaunt Minnie can tolerate on her arthritic little stumps. Plus, when I’m out there on the trail in the dead of summer, it’s like a cranial condom against bugs bungee jumping down toward the uppermost bits of my body.

Yes. That’s how it began. But it didn’t take long before – much like my cardio gear itself – the cap became part of my identity. An enchanted cephalic mask. Without it, I was timid Stanley Ipkiss. With it, I was brazenly hypnotizing policemen while dancing on squad cars to Cuban Pete.

There was no turning back.

Plus, you know all that contouring I have to do to make my face look like it doesn’t have acromegaly? Not with my fave accessory. Caps ameliorate your natch sitch without having to reach for so much of the shadow-casting powder. The other day, I got a sweet compliment from a barista – a woman – who told me I was beautiful. I told her, “Thanks! You are too!” When she said, “Not like you…”, I decided to do a comical self-debasing combo: “Oh, it’s just the hat. It covers about 75% of my face. That’s why I wear it!” I left her laughing and went home crying into my soy latte – an activity which makes your face even more uggo. Good thing I had that cap to quasi cover my bitten-by-a-cottonmouth looking mug.

And a face awning isn’t the only plus this mystical dome adornment provides on a concealment level. If you’re like me, you might suffer from a chronic case of flat roots. And it might make you also look like the Fear and Loathing version of Toby Maguire the second ambient moisture latches onto you.

Much like Toby here, you start going into panic mode. But fear not. The fix is, yet again, found in my sorcerous coif topper. Especially if the ratio from bill to tip is significant enough to make you look like you’re just humbly hiding spectacularly luxurious tresses under there. This thing offers so many fabulous forms of camo. And it’s funny because I remember – not long ago – angrily claiming that “hats are makeup for men”. I was throwing shade at these shade casting head gloves ‘cause 90% of the time, a guy with versus without his hat looked like me before versus after a night of eating a sodium infused meal plus alcohol. And I was bitter that they had a thing that worked just as brilliantly at deceiving me into thinking they were hot as my Sephora arsenal did to them. That’s supposed to be our thing as chicks. Aesthetic deception. But, eventually, I realized – duh – I can do it too. And I can wear the makeup if I really wanna have a leg up on the competish. I mean, even Ipkiss had a supplemental wardrobe (including hats) when he was in the mask.

So, that’s all well and good for me. But what’s my argument for making it part of the profesh dress code? How’s it benefit my employers? Aside from the fact that it transmogrifies my personality into kick-assery? Why, the same thing Catholic schools and Obama’s wardrobe assistant provide – less distraction and decision fatigue every morning that go hand in hand with having to decide how you’re going to style your hair before work. I mean, half of getting into my flow every day as I clock in and interact is wondering if you’re judging my ridiculous hair with all of its fly-aways (thanks Virginia summer humidity). So, Dear EveryBoss: Wouldn’t you prefer if your staff was free from the concern of split ends porcupining out of their heads? If their focus was completely on the task at hand? And maybe this preposterous purple top I shouldn’t have worn?

Yeah, it might be a while before I realize my dream of rocking a bill while making bills at my 9 to 5.

But at least I can both carp about that fact and wear it while doing this job.