I’m in love with this letter Steinbeck wrote to his son about love.
The backstory’s that his eldest boy, Thom, wrote John when he was still in boarding school, sharing that he’d just fallen in love with a girl called Susan. Defending his newfound soulmate, he told his pops it wasn’t just “puppy love” and that he wanted the fam to meet her. His dad (being an artist armed with a pen for a paintbrush and words for watercolor), took to paper and did what he did best when he replied.
This is what ‘beck wrote back:
I think what stands out most about this letter is the authenticity. John’s clearly living what he preaches, and it’s evident even through his correspondence. His message to Thom is meant to make him aware of the disparity between small, selfish love that expects results – and the grander sort of love that lets you fearlessly say “I love you even if you might not love me back”. By illustrating the existence of these two genres, he’s just offering insight – not telling him what to do. He’s not even rhetorically asking him which one he’s in. He’s just putting it out there, as someone who’s likely experienced both – and even acknowledges, “You’re not asking me to tell you how to feel”. Mr. S. clearly knew how to love big enough to try and guide – not control or sway – his boy.
It’s so easy for a parent – whether they’re a literary genius or motivational speaker by profession – to lose all their cogency the moment a matter (that’s usually simple to solve) involves their children. They desperately grasp at those emotional puppet strings as if they were the shreds of some vestigial umbilical cord they could yank right back to the womb. John seemingly wasn’t among these sorts, if this letter’s any indication of his fathering skills.
And maybe that’s because he and Elaine seemed to have a good relationship at this point.
I admittedly need to review my Steinbeck history to see if his marriage was as sweet as it sounds, but if it was, that makes it a lot easier to give advice on how to love “big”, as he puts it. “Do as I say, not as I do” is an impossible direction to follow when you’re a child. Even if you try, it won’t apply later in life. Not easily, anyway. You need an example. And that may have been my favorite part of this letter:
“Lastly, I know your feeling because I have it and I’m glad you have it.”
Ahhh…I love that shiz so much, I want to cut it out with a scalpel, box it up with giftwrap and a bow, and send it to every baby shower that will ever happen in the future of the human species. Because – parent or not – it’s far easier to take advice from someone who identifies with you. But when you are a parent, it’s an even more powerful tool. Because, deep down, your kids want your approval. Not your judgment. Also, it helps to know your parents still feel the thing that motivated them to marry in the first place.
All this said, I’ve gotta admit:
I feel like this letter’d be super different if he were writing to his daughter.
Well not super different – just an abbreviated version of Thom’s…
Loooove,
Fa