Okay, this article on “Can a fart be misogynistic?” is a little old – but still a gem.

This Onion style spotlighting of “rape culture” gone wild, mutated, and blown outta proportion was like an intravenous opiate to all the painful parts of my soul. But it led me to wonder – though the piece itself is clearly satire – the feminist chick is very definitely not. So just how much of this was true and how much of it was taking a quote or three and having a little fun with it? Some sites out there claim she never said any of those quotes that have spurred the launch of a ubiquitous #fartrape hashtag (is that redundant – if I say the name and write the symbol?). And – if you didn’t already pause to read the blog – fantastically captioned candid images like these raise even more questions:

For instance, in a way, aren’t you image raping this man?

By taking this picture? AND posting it? I mean, he didn’t greenlight the taking of this picture. It’s basically like fccking someone in their sleep. And by tweeting it, it’s like inviting millions of people you don’t know over to have a go at him too. Jesus. You’ve made us all part of it! Every time someone looks at him now – boom. Optical sodomy. I mean, if we’re talking about equality (that’s in the definition of feminism, I think) rape for rape isn’t the way to go, is it? That’s not who we want to be as humans, right? Clearly not. We involve the appropriate authorities to make sure we have rights versus some barbarous version of Hammurabi’s code that comprises people perfunctorily performing pupil popping acts from “Hostel” on one another between bites of croissant and sips of Starbucks during the morning metro ride. No, taking pictures isn’t the answer.

But, as ever, here in MAPsLand, we look for solutions.

That’s why, when my buddy shared this #fartrape epidemic, I offered my service.

Via… The #FartRape Whistle

That’s right. It’s been a long time coming, you know. The young woman at the center of this story merely served to spotlight the chronic olfactory ravaging no one’s yet spoken up about. And I’m glad she did. Because my prospective product will come with many features – not the least of which will be its capacity to calibrate itself to release a slightly more noxious and audible odor than that which has just been expelled by the ass-ailant, rendering him incapacitated until the authorities can arrive to apprehend him.

Brown eye for a brown eye.