On the heels of my fitness vlogger piece, comes a fitness blogger piece.

Cassey Ho (who I didn’t even know was a thing until this viral video came out) recently did a sad skit meant to shine a spotlight on the cyberbullying issue (because all the real celebs who do sad videos seem to be having a great effect on actual bullying and not just looking more saintly while traipsing into news headlines again). And while I clicked on it because I liked the idea, the grand finale culmination of it while she gazes all wistfully into the looking glass left me feeling a bit… cold? Let down? More disappointed than the Home Alone meets passed-out-at-a-frat-party Joker Leto preview that looks like something I’d have come up with if you’d asked me to design it when I was five? Okay, who am I kidding. Nothing is more disappointing than that (just note I’m saying that before the actual movie comes out). But as for this few minute fantasy fitness versus cyberbullies movie, there was still at least half the disappointment level when the end inquiry was:

“What would you change?”

Really? Is that what we’re going with here? I feel like we could have done so much more with that, Ho (amazing what a difference a capital letter to indicate that’s an actual surname makes). I mean, it’s just not rhetorical enough to imply that nothing – unless it’s accompanied by healthy hard work like you hopefully advocate in your blogs – should be obsessed about to the point where you fly across the border to shave your baby bearing bones down and Jenner-fy your lips up (note – that’s the daughter, not kindly ginger Olympian lady who sired her) until you end up on next week’s Botched and get extra roles as the antagonists in the next sequel of “The Hills Have Eyes” because of the minimal special effects and makeup your mug requires. No. The message must be clearer. Especially seeing as we’re likely talking at least in part to a generation of “I dunno how 2 spell autocorrect w/o autocorrect”.

Homegirl needs to tweak her message – not her nonexistent blubber or udders.

But even if we wanted to remain vague and artsy, she could’ve done it and still driven home the message with:

“WHO are you changing for?”

(‘cause the answer should always be yourself. Or your kids. If you’re Gilbert Grape’s mom and about to die and leave ‘em alone in a sea of string cheese and fast food wrappers.)


*Cue sad look* “Now what?”

(As in – “Now are you happy?” the answer obviously being: no. There’s no such thing as collective approval within a species that survives because of its diverse tastes. Someone’s always gonna like a pancake ass while the guy next to him covets Kanye’s wife’s fudge pumper.)

But poor Ho doesn’t need any more bullying the form of my finger wagging. I’m just making suggestions she’ll never read on how she could’ve taken a near perfect thing that last ten percent of the way. Besides, I support what she’s trying to do. First: because the good intention is to spread the message that it’s bad to cyberbully – or listen to them – which is why I want the end-message improved so bad it hurts (Wait – is that meta? Me trying to nip-tuck her video style the way she nip-tucks her body in the video cuzza other web comments? I’m gonna try to employ the “At least mine’s got a good purpose behind it” defense here…). And second: because much like everyone else seeking to amplify their net-fame, I feel like this was a wise move on her part. ‘cause I’ve never heard about her (then again, I’m just a bridge-bowel dwelling troll). Either way, now everyone and a half knows her name since they can’t escape seeing this video Facebook to the Twittereth power times a day for the next week till it dies. Just like that one former fatty who refused to hide her flesh apron in that one fitness magazine after all her ass-busting work. Or the other real-time photoshop chick that was the cat’s pajamas for a solid month. Verdict? Smart move indeed.

So, props for all’a that, Ho. Keep trying.

Also: you’re hot.

Also: six packs are overrated.