It is with great pride and a warm heart that I’d like to announce this:

In nine months… there will be a delivery happening in my world. Lighting up my darkened life. Bringing tears of joy to my eyes. Making me want to break out into all the Disney-esque songs I love and maybe even a few I hate every time I see him:

The Starbucks delivery man.

Now that’s some “love is an open door” shiz right there. When I open my door and a grande soy green tea latte I didn’t even hafta leave my robe for is on the other side? Ya betcha ass that’s love. The sac in which my tummy and ovaries collectively live are getting excited just thinking about it. This is the best kind of delivery there could possibly be. I get to have the joy of seeing my hot beverage baby I worked so hard to order online and then shoving it into my tummy every day – like childbirth happening in reverse. I’m getting emotional just thinking about it.

But the wait itself will feel about as long as the drive-through line at the real thing.

‘cause, like I mentioned above, it’s not coming till the second half of next year.
So, for now, I’m researching all the details, fantasizing about it, and nesting in my home to prepare for its arrival, while reading what CEO Howard Shultz said about it: “Imagine the ability to create a standing order of Starbucks delivered hot to your desk daily. That’s our version of e-commerce on steroids.”

(Yes, Howard! Yes, what else?!)

Apparently, if you’re part of the Starbucks loyalty program, you get to be among the pioneer peeps receiving the service. Also, you can place your order from your phone (they have an app?!). Also-also, I don’t have to interact with fellow species members and let their energy taint the purity of my own in order to get it.

Soon, I can just answer the door, snatch up my steamy cup of legal crack, and slam the door in his face before descending into a squat, hunching over my dessert drink, and raspily intoning, “my prethscious….” Until it turns too cold to ingest.

I have at least three questions, though:

1. How will they keep it hot mid-travel?
2. What about tips? I feel like with their prices, gratuity should be included.
3. What do I do when they inevitably fcck up my order like they always do?

Any issues with any of these could easily turn me from darling to douchebag. Double fast.

Despite my concerns, I’m very excited.

And I can’t wait to welcome the delivery of my first chai child next year.

I plan to celebrate like all the other parents do:

By posting nauseating amounts of photos online with captions of what I think it’s saying.