On the heels of McCannibal hoaxes and viscera valuation, I couldn’t help but wonder-
Wait.
Alright.
Let’s take a break for you to appreciate why I’m so delighted by such dark topics.
(Blame childhood Bugs for everything.)
Ahem.
So, anyway, what I wondered was what’s the calorie value of cannibalism?
Just how much punch does people meat pack? Lucky for me, a study was done by lecturer James Cole in which he drew up a chart based on cadaver assessments to give us a full on caloric breakdown to keep in mind the next time our Uruguayan rugby team crashes in the Andes and we all start fighting over that first bite from the thighs of whoever just died. God that was an inconvenient winter.
I kept having to remind them I’m the captain and captains get dibs, dammit.
As a retrospective though, Fred’s thighs were probably what kept me alive and able to outrun the avalanche with my own ’cause the human leg’s got about 7,150 calories apiece. So glad I didn’t share in that instance. Unlike the summer I got lost in Indonesia, wandered into a village, and made friends with a tribe who eat man meals for funsies when people’ve cleary got demons in ’em (duh, what other options are there?)
I mean, I didn’t mind sharing my kills on that holiday because it was that whole “work hard, play hard, go team! mentality”. Plus, if I’d eaten it all by my ‘lone, I’d have had a fckk ton of work to do burning it off. We didn’t think about it that summer of love and carefree-ness, but now that I’m older, I’m learning if I did all that recreational quad nomming without my pals, I’d hafta do 17 hour long runs to burn it off. Or if I caught a fleeting culinary craving for the marinated arms back here in ‘murca for the loud neighbors upstairs (they fit my Dexter-Dahmer code of definitely having demons), those motherhuggers (literally) would be 1,800 calories. I suppose I could work it off swimming. Swimming all day, that is.
Or I could just burn it off earning my next meal.
#TooMuchWork
Plus, that same workout could double on nights I dine on their nom, toxin, and oxygen processors – because those alimentary canal, lungs, and liver leftovers are all about 1,500 a piece. Pssh. I can work off that 300 cal difference just brainstorming on who to eat next. But that brainstorm wouldn’t be enough to burn off whoever’s brain I broil into a delicious soup – ’cause coming in at 2,700 are the brain, spinal cord, and nerve trunks. Split between three friends, though? That’s only 900 a piece.
Which isn’t a far cry from the 722 you’d get if you had a human heart all to yourself.
But, like they say, it’s so much better sharing.
And that was the beauty of that worry-free summer where I wish I could remain until my own remains are rotisseried. We just lived together in peace, getting our exercise playfully hunting down homo sapien satan, sharing at dudelucks, high-fiving, and staying lean. It was like living in the Abercrombie commune. With skinned ladies in the lodge.
Greed wasn’t part of the culture, so weight gain wasn’t a concern!
Back here, though (ugh), such a constant anxiety barrage and I’m having to settle for their sweetly sanguine spattered postcards that’re making me jealous I’m not there and wondering who’s rotating on the spit tonight. From the smell of these bloodstains, I’m guessing it was Robert.
Ah, I’m missing Bob on the Cob night?!
To be fair, though, Cole did get his findings from studies published about dudes who died in the 40’s and 50’s. Plus they were American – so we’re probably not as nutritious anymore. In fact, once McCannibalism becomes a real thing, it’ll be like that snake that ate itself.
If that snake was Melissa McCarthy.
So I guess this means I’ll obviously need to move back to my like minded community if I want real quality. Anyone wanna come with? Far away from this American laziness and where we don’t even put in work to hunt down our food? We just expect it to come to us? Yeah, man. I’ll get a nice little Indonesian hut, decorate it up, light a few candles, and invite a few friends over for a housewarming.
And whoever forgets the chianti and fava beans can be the main course.
I mean the whole thing’s only 81,500 calories.
We can totally work it off later reenacting the end scene of Wackicki Wabbit.
#CantTaketheMurcaOuttaTheMurcan