I was kidding when I said that it’d be a great idea to make Heart Attack Grill a fast food chain. (Actually, I wasn’t – but I was hoping I’d get to be the one heading it and thus profiting from it; but that’s alright. Moving on.) On the heels of the blood clogging news that was Kentucky Fried’s double down dog, now comes a novelty coffee. One that just might make Starbucks feel a slight disturbance in the force, if only momentarily, as if millions of overpriced coffee beans all cried out from neglect at once. Because everyone’s heading over for a cup of the Colonel’s coffee instead.
’cause you can eat the dishware it comes in.
Called the “Scoffee Cup” (apt name, considering the scoff I just emitted), the cup’s a cookie, sheathed in more sugar (than whatever’s already in a cookie) plus white chocolate. Aside from the fact that the cup softens as soon as the coffee’s poured in (which means you have to chug it like a frat boy who doesn’t mind esophageal burns, I guess), I’m also suspicious of the scents they infuse it with. Per a food rep, “We’ve infused different cups with a variety of ambient aromas including Coconut Sun Cream, Freshly Cut Grass, and Wild Flowers,” all smells that “have a natural ability to evoke the positive memories we associate with warm weather, sunshine and summer holidays. Things that make everyone smile.” Um… Yes. If it’s a candle. If I’m wasting the calories and time to eat a cookie, you know what I want it to smell like? I’ll give you a hint: cookies. I want it to smell like cookies.
Then again, you have to bolt this thing unless you want a lap full of third degree burn.
Guess there’s no time for your brain to process scent matching. Just shut up and guzzle and buy another so you can sniff away, trying to remember which depressing family holiday at which fleabag motel it reminds you of most. *Sigh*… I know, I know – I get really finger-waggy sometimes – only pointing out how horrible the newest items are that corporate money making entities provide for us with only our health, happiness, and best interest in mind. I’m sorry for that. So, let’s leave off with at least one good point. You know what I love about KFC’s new edible cup of coffee? That it’s almost Warholian. Warhol’s Campbell prints didn’t even pretend to be art. The most artsy thing about ’em were the message – how they shone a great big spotlight on what we’re consuming. Remember all those soup cans lined up and repeated like the production line from whence they came? A symbol of our copypasta culture? Which would only spread to the web in later decades, amplified like mental VD in meme form? Well, this cup’s like the cans. Where the can on canvas didn’t even pretend to be deep, the café waifer cup doesn’t even pretend to food. People knew the cans weren’t art. Just like people know this shit is going to turn them into zombies craving ramen noodles by noon. And yet both flock to it. And that’s why I love it. The honesty. If you forget it’s not real food, they’ve reminded you by putting it in something that’s absolutely not food: paper (with a stamp on it that’s not terribly un-Warholian itself in its design, no less) and the suggestion that you can eat it anyway. Yes, you can eat heaps of things.
You can even eat chamber pot contents if you try your hardest and pinch your nose.
Good judgment is a beautiful thing.
Can’t wait to see the nutrition label for this thing.