Ah, the sweet and glowing golden arches.

Sure, mayhaps that “M” stands for “McDonald’s”.

But maybe it also stands for that “mystery mustard” of theirs.

Or just… “money”.

’cause, now, if you have a lot of that last thing, you can get that middle thing from that first thing.

And I do mean a lot.

Specifically… $18,000. That’s right. The burger behemoth has finally acquiesced to the masses’ demands and is now going to be selling full sized bottles of its “secret sauce” with the aforementioned price tag tacked onto it. Now, I know what you’re thinking – “with that money, I could buy a car, a few cosmetic surgeries, or fund a year’s rent on this apartment I’m living in that goes up annually because of its proximity to the java version of McDonalds.” But can you really but a price tag on a savory sludge of edible fat bubbles slathered in excitotoxins capable of addicting my mouth and brain upon impact? Especially when it’s super secret? Which makes it coveted and valuable? If nothing else, we should all definitely buy one and put it on our shelves along with still-in-the-box Star Wars figurines, right? And then, wait for the apocalypse to come, whereupon we can open ‘em all and eat them? (Who doesn’t wanna suck McGlaze off’a Princess Leia’s bilateral lock buns? #amirite?) But if you’ve still got to save up for a big bottle of arteriosclerosis, fear not. The generous fries and visor giant is offering those itty bitty packets of it now for just…



Jesus eff. Almost $10.00 for the same sized packet the mustard and ketchup come in? The same type you grab 34 of when you actually make the effort to go inside and order while you wait in a line, under their disgusting lights as the scent of pine sol and the fecal matter it’s doing a terrible job of masking seeps out from the loo, slowly annihilating whatever appetite you might’ve had when you first walked in there?

Those sized packets?

If you know me, you know I can’t see endorsing anything from the clown king corporation for the sake of sporking ‘em over my money to keep. But I might do it for the sake of making my own. I say fckk the big bottle (obvi.), but I would totally buy a few packs of the McDollHouse sized sauce samplers. Not to eat, mind you, but to take to my sci-guys who live and work in my clandestine underground lab so that they can test it to see exactly which molecules comprise this concoction and in what quantities. That way, when I recreate it with a minor tweak, I can sell it with an upside down golden “M”, which will make the “W” of what I’ll call my “Wow sauce”. And then, when I start selling it in Wegmans behind a glass case, across the bottom will be a label with that one phrase (ya know – the one they always say to compete with your usual, more pricey go-to brand): “Compare to the $18,000 equivalent!”

And then, I’ll put Ron outta bizz when I make bank selling it for way less than these greedy bastards.

Because everyone should be able to afford this.

And I’m here to do good in the world.

Which’s why mine’ll only be $15,000 a bottle.

Clearly my “M” stands for magnanimous.