How could you?

How could all of you bastards do this to me?

In what feels like the worst surprise party ever, nobody took the time to warn me that National Coffee day was today. (I’ll pause for you to purse your lips solemnly and e-console me). Had I known, had I been forewarned, had one of you people who claims to be my friend reminded me the way you unwelcomely reminded me for weeks when I was turning 300 years old – I would have woken up far earlier than I did this morning. And I’d have packed my shitty laptop in its antique carrying case- rotting strap and all, and headed my brilliant ass over to the place that’s been my pusher and go-to creative consciousness kickstarter since that fateful day when I first asked, “What’s Starbucks, mama?”

And when she poured it into my bottle.

And showed my two year old brain exactly what it was. #goodmom #anachronismisfun

BTW it looks like my neck’s broken in this retro-snap; but really I’m just tweak-twitching.)

Now, it’s already almost that time of a day whose hour you have to follow with a “P.M.”, which means I’ve officially missed about six hours of free caffeine I could have been enjoying while typing this.

Wait… what?

I’ve missed the whole thing?!

“A free taste: Starbucks ‎is offering a free sample of its Anniversary Blend. But stop by early — the sample is only available until noon.”


All of these ceaseless and beleaguering boring Bieber trends that I hate but write reluctantly about anyway have finally done a worse kind of damage than just infusing our consciousness with hydrochloric I.Q. acid. They’ve successfully spammed out one of the most important trends and updates that I actually do need to know about. The kind that are the only reason I carry on with living in society instead of moving off the grid or planet. Burn my retinas out with fire! Shave my head like Britney in 2007! But, for the love of fluffy soy latte foam, never deny me free coffee. I feel like the only way to avoid tragedy like this from striking again next year, will be via formal appeal to the king.


Your Highness:

If you or one of your henchmen happen upon this, please hear me out.

All year long, I get game requests I can’t pre-reject. I’m alerted about the birthdays, marriages, and general milestones of people I hardly know when I honestly don’t really even care about my own. Adorably saccharine puppy pictures and videos are interspersed with stories about microwaved babies. And, somehow, I’ve abided all of this by the tacit compliance of continuing to status post, comment like, and share stuff from Instagram (which, #sorrynotsorry I use way more than your shite site). So, can we please – dear leader, mighty fuhrer, revered ZuckerCzar….

….have free fccking coffee alerts jump to the front of my feed from now on?


Legal Junkie