My Twit-feed often asks us the more relevant life-questions:

How do we transcend low vibrational consciousness?

Can we save the planet?

Which hole will a chick chimp fill first when she’s hungry and her homeboy’s horny?

Ah, yes. This was the transcendent aha moment I’d been seeking all day that led me to an extended meditation out the in the wilderness. Really, I could’ve skipped those two nature jogs I did earlier and just come to NatGeo. And indulge my sick curiosity to learn whether furry primates’ll cater to a mate’s copulatory needs when they’re hungry… Or, ya know, just not reply to their fuzzy fcck buddy’s text messages (because A.) Right now, I’m hungry B.) Later I’m going to be bloated and not feeling sexy enough to fork after I’m done shoveling this fork into my face hole).

So, which one do you think wins when it comes to monkey business?

If I’m being honest, the first thing that came to my mind when I tried guessing the answer NatGeo had was a nugget of knowledge I’d gleaned from all of the high brow reading that I do. Like Chelsea Handler. You see, in her handjob-for-your-mind book that’s about her and her human comfort quilt of acquaintances who she dragged on a Ugandan safari, I learned a lot. Despite its mentally masturbatory qualities, I did gain from that book the fact that all of monkey kind just kinda rape eachother all day long. So, suffice it to say, I thought that was gonna be the answer. Like, they reluctantly multitask activity at either end simultaneously with sustenance and sires after putting up a fight.

The f’real answer isn’t much better, though:

Basically, what NatGeo’s telling me is that these hungry monkeys are whores who’ll let everyone plow for papaya payment (wait, it gets worse). And the hairy hard on bearers are so hard up that they resort to crime just to get in dem prozzies’ drawz – mainly by stealing fruit as offerings.

Wait, speaking of stealing, did Baz Luhrman steal from nature then – when he made Moulin Rouge?

1.) Impoverished vagabond (McGregor) fakes being a writer to hook up with the ho (Kidman)
2.) She literally says the line “A girl has got to eat” in that song where she’s turning him down
3.) The next line she says is “or she’ll end up in the street”. Which isn’t relevant but is stupid enough a non-sequitur to share in this trifecta of dumbness. Moving on.

So, yep. En route to the red light district of the jungle, chimps have no qualms about cuffin’ other dudes’ food to fund their fun. Or as they put it in the “Truth about Chimps” article, the suggestion is that the male is “trading ‘forbidden fruit’ for ‘other currencies’…”

And the euphemism of the year goes to…

So, I suppose the answer is:

These depraved, disgusting, abhorrent, can’t-possibly-be-even-remotely-related-to-me monkeys…

…are exactly like us.