It always makes me nervous when they reinvent a classic.

Especially a Disney flick.

And especially since they’re casting Emma Watson to play Belle.

I’ve nothing against the girl, but I just don’t trust her to do my favorite library whoring heroine justice. Then again, I’m not sure I’d trust anyone to do Belle justice. Or Ariel. Or Jasmine. But if I had to choose, I’d want someone who doesn’t make me feel like the script will definitely deviate when Gaston gets one of his own arrows to the knee ten minutes in, and beast gets castrated long before the spell’s gotta chance to be broken. (Because: feminazi). But, seeing as it’s a live action take – not a movie – I feel like this might kinda be a piece of trash anyway that I won’t have to take seriously. What’s that even mean – live action take? Just a full on recorded stage play? Like that time I was forced with eyelid pliers to watch Phantom of the Opera on DVD? I’m in hate with that idea, but it could at least be mitigated by different casting.

A young Natalie Portman type – innocent yet sexy.

Like, maybe, Selena Gomez?

(I’d say just cast these two now, reiterate this gif’s perfectly rapey portrayal of Gatson’s unwelcome visit to Belle’s house scene in fairy tale costume, and call it a day. But my husband there couldn’t carry a tune if he had it loaded into her horse drawn carriage. Like a good wife, I support him fully. But I think we should keep Selena for Belle and just… go in… another direction for G-unit.)

Although they didn’t cast the beast or Gaston yet, I can take a pretty good guess of a jumping off point. Since the same dude who directed Twilight is directing this, I’d be surprised if Taylor Lautner (having played a transformational animal werewolf-beast-creature in the gothic mythical teen equivalent to 50 Shades cult classic) wasn’t at least being considered for the part of Gaston – if not the Beast himself.

Eh, you raise a good point, my dude. Too boy-ish or short or something…

Plus, I think human-version of Beast was blonde at the end (otherwise, with the long hair, he’d’ve been too similar to Gaston).Oh – maybe Charlie Hunnam would be good (nice segue for the sweet yet gruff SOA prez). Or Channing Tatum? I suggest this, though, only because he can dance (Magic Mike). Well that, and I feel like this is his big moment – after all that weird puffy plastic face surgery he’s been getting done, he’s got the look of that Oz lion nailed. Could be a an excellent opportunity and beautiful translation to the castle dwelling beast. I mean, when life gives you mug lemons, amIright?

And speaking of Magic Mike stars and werewolves, I’m thinking of a great Gaston and/or Beast just now: the other character werewolf – the one from True Blood – would be excellent. I just looked up his name and it’s: Joe Manganiello. Like Tatum, we know he can dance – and can be gruff and stuff. The only problem is that if Joe plays Gaston (my childhood crush and motivation for my villain affinity in the dating scene later), I don’t think anyone will buy that Belle turns him down…

So, that’s my vote. The actual ex-Disney princess, weird accent biker guy, and wolf stripper.

In fact, let’s just fcck off the live action nonsense and turn this into a coming of age tale.

One about a chick who has to choose between two schmexy assholes.

And who picks the one who changes everything about himself. For her.