Really? This “social experiment” went viral and made news?
So, the idea was this:
A hot British teen (Aha! Got your attention now!) decided she’d give compliment-acceptance online a try.
But first – let’s back up. For a little context (in case you’ve never gotten a compliment, given one, or been an insecure female). There seems to be an epidemic of not-being-able-to-take-a-compliment-itis from which many a woman seems to suffer. Symptoms can include the sheepish “Oh… *blush*…no I’m not…” to the infuriated responses wherein the receiver takes out their inability to deal with their own physical shortcomings (which they can probably change if they try harder) on you – the one trying to make them feel beautiful.
Yep.
That’s what happens in reality.
Online, however, it can present as the same – or as the receiver reading your message and declining to reply at all. And, you might be wondering, what’s the antidote then? Well, obviously, accepting said compliment. Now, said British beauty Gweneth Bateman had the right idea behind her “social experiment”. We should “accept compliments” when people are kind enough to offer them. But that means we also have to have an understanding of what “accepting a compliment” means. You might think of it as playing a friendly game of catch. If I throw you the ball using my best form, do you stand there and say, “Yep. This is my ball. I’m going to go back inside now. Goodbye forever.” after you catch it? I tend to think that’d be a very boring and unfulfilling game. Also, my feelings might be hurt a little that you didn’t at least pass it back to me once. Compliment acceptance is kinda like that. You pass the ball back – even if it’s a half-hearted throw. In a conversation, this means, you would offer a “Thank you” at the least. Are you responsible for the bone structure you were born with? How cool your curly hair is? Your Cameron Diaz smile? No. But your gratitude isn’t in reference to that. It’s in reference to the gesture someone made in seemingly trying to be kind to you. (We won’t assume they don’t just wanna eff you, but we also won’t assume they do either, and we do know that being nice is always a good first-response to attempt) . Thus, a full hearted compliment toss back might happen if you think the guy is hot too:
“Thank you, Patrick!” (always good to personalize it), “You’ve got an amazing smile”
A quasi hearted compliment-acceptance toss back might be if you don’t:
“Thank you! What a sweet thing of you to say!”
And bare-minimum’s reserved for the “Dat ass, doe! Whatchyo numba?” ilk:
“Thank you for your compliments on my posterior, DaLongDong3000!”
Then, if Mr. Long Dong doesn’t take the hint (that you acknowledged only half his message, albeit civilly), then you can assume he isn’t used to playing much catch himself and just needs time to learn. This is none of your concern. You’ve done your part. What is your concern, however, is familiarizing yourself with the proper etiquette and recognizing that “accepting a compliment” does not comprise what Gweneth and her social experiment followers did. The claim? That they’d “reply nicely” when receiving an online compliment – instead of denying the compliment or not answering at all. What she actually does? Well… tell me if this looks like a nice reply to you:
Here’s another screen cap of another girl’s misguided attempt:
Are we being serious here? Do I really have to explain this?
I’m genuinely hoping this is just some drivel the papers drew together to see if most people are dumb enough to believe that some people are dumb enough to confuse two clashing concepts. You know, to keep our focus off war and injustice and shale oil and corporations and so on. But, from what I’ve seen of phone-nose-buried teens, I’m led to believe I can’t give them the benefit of the doubt any more than Murdoch or his media. So I’ll say it:
Agreeing with and accepting a compliment are far from synonymous.
Let’s try it Einstein’s way to confirm this. With a thought experiment. A social thought experiment. I mean, if you were at a bar, or taking a bar exam, or standing in a sand bar next to a beautiful woman … and you said what any of the guys above said… and she said “YEP”, would you think that was very nice? (well, maybe it’s a bit inappropriate timing to do while taking the most important test for becoming a lawyer, but I digress.) Would you deem “YEP” the equivalent of “accepting a compliment”? This is another case where the rule of improv applies, but the “and” to the “Yes…and” is totally 100% crucial for the compliment receiver to not look like an asshole. Also, the “yes” is implied in the conversationally acceptable reply “Thank you!”. Try it. Say “thank you!” right now – to no one in particular about the fact you get to breathe without the assistance of an iron lung. That you’re not on fire. Not falling out of a druglord’s chopper – necklaced by a noose.
Did you do it?
Good!
Now, do it the next time someone says something nice about you.
My problem with this “social experiment” is that (much like the “woman walking/getting catcalled through New York”) the results have nada to do with gender – like they’re trying to make it. It’s about basic common courtesy and intention. The intention here was to shut somebody down who’s putting themselves out there, and document how they react. On the contrary, gratitude is great as a “yes” practice for any of our daily improv convos (even just your cashier who’s getting carpal tunnel and probably bursitis from standing and clacking away at that hateful machine and bagging up your stuff). Especially if we understand that when we employ it into these games of conversational catch, it doesn’t mean coitus has to follow. Or even a date. When you understand that “thank you” is not a promise or commitment to anything, it becomes a lot easier to relinquish. But, much like “I’m sorry”, people feel like they’re giving up something for free when they say it. Like emotional welfare. (“Why should I have to…when…?!”) We have to forego our hold on this misconception. You’re not losing anything. But they are gaining the invaluable insight that not all of humanity is bad, or all beautiful women are stuck up, or whatever angry inference you’d make when somebody could be nice but chooses not to. What’s more, the “and” to your “yes, and” could actually be “end”, as in – end conversation soon. But… amicably also.
So, in sum, when responding to compliments:
1.) Say “thank you” – even if you leave straight away.
2.) Know that “thank you” doesn’t mean “I’ll eff you/date you/meet you in person”
3.) Remember that agreeing with and accepting are so different they’re almost opposite.
Are teens so disconnected that basic interpersonal skill comprehension is this skewed now?