Not to sound judgey… but…
These Facebook quizzes are slowly turning me into Alice’s un-birthday party host.
Actually – not the quizzes. I don’t hate the quizzes. I don’t hate the people posting them. I just want to know: why? I’m legit interested. If you’re reading this, I encourage you to look at the last quiz you took and tell me what drove you to take that particular test and share those particular results? Better yet, how many times did you retake it to get that score? (Don’t lie. I took the Tarantino one repeatedly till I got Kiddo.) Because when I used to take these self-aggrandizing things, it was to perform some kind of digital Ron Burgundy reflective admiration – and make sure you all understood how great I was at knowing things or being like a specific 50’s pinup.
According to an anonymous quiz.
Probably written by a soda guzzling, acne riddled, nacho eating, mouth breather (who I’m sure is lovely to his mother. Whose basement he lives in.) But the really fun part of these is that you can tell via context who failed which quizzes. It’s a process of elimination that takes such little effort you probably do it without thinking about it. Because usually the same quiz will circulate in your same friend group around the same time – so they all take it and all post it. Except that one guy. Yep. When Johnny LeDouche fails to post the results of that same “how good is your vocabulary?” quiz that spread across your mutual friend list like AIDS across the 80’s, we don’t guess Johnny’s rocking a lexicon level of SAT hot words.
That is, if his unintelligible status shares didn’t tip you off first.
Now I just feel a retrospective flood of self-loathing when I see people posting high scores. And it’s because it reminds me of how self-celebratory I’ve shamefully been in the past. The worst part is that we’re doing it with an irrelevant barometer – something constructed by some probably unprofessional stranger (I take that back; the data collecting survey makers who create these things are most likely professionals. At the NSA). And it’s all to prove my worth – to other people whose opinions don’t matter either. How seriously have I been taking myself that I’ve done this? How into myself am I that I believe a compliment coming from an unverified source – who doesn’t even know me? Am I still doing some form of this unwarranted lookitme-ness now? The answer to that short quiz would probably be a winning score for my blind and hungry ego. Thus, when and if I do ego-shares nowadays, I usually only share stuff that can allow us all to collectively laugh at me. (Because laughter is always a nice distraction from the fact that we’re all headed to the boneyard sooner or later. So, even if I’m the butt of the joke – I’ll take it.) However, if you know me, you may also know that I get bored easily. Even with my own awesome ideas (See? This bragging’s ingrained by now – must… counter…act it).
Thus, I constantly require new and improved material from myself to keep my own vanity’s bloodlust at bay.
Which means I have to up my game on the shame front.
But – in a nice way. Since I’m trying to make that a thing nowadays, too.
(I said “try”. Can’t do everything. I’m only one woman.)
That’s why – as a social experiment – I’m going to start taking these Facebook postable quizzes again. But this time, I’ll be failing them on purpose. And then sharing the results proudly on my page like it’s a kitchen refrigerator – complete with proud captions like “this is why I’m hot” and “And y’all said a degree wouldn’t get me anywhere”. The trick will be to find the perfect god-awful obviously-satirical-when-I-share-my-flunkery quizzes. And do those, only.
How much of a woman are you? “2 percent!”
How good are you with numbers? “Bicycle! Purple! PENIS!!!1”
How psychopathic are you? “SHUT UP! I can’t enjoy the agonal death-screams of this co-ed if you’re talking!”
This will be a good way to spotlight character defects amongst friends – gently.
Which, in a way, makes me kind of like a saint.
Goddammit, I’m doing it again.
#EnjoyMyMisinformation,NSA