Art is nice, but let’s face it: a lot of times, it’s overrated.

So some super famous dude painted something that I also could have done. So what? Can I eat it or use it as a weapon it after the asteroid hits earth and basic life needs are all that matters? Probably not. I enjoy a good gallery exhibit, performance piece, or random installment as much as the next person – but if something aesthetic is also functional, it’s certainly got a leg up on the competish. And that’s why this farmer artist dude is on some next-level shiz with his creation:

A tree of over 40 different fruits.


When I first saw this, I had my doubts.

How? How’d he get apricots and almonds and plums and all of this other mystical deliciousness into one arboric collage? Was this piece of land he saved and cultivated actually imbued with seed bearing spirits? Fruit gods? As if there’s any other kind?

Nope. What he did was kind of like the more literal, natural, non GMO-version of frankenfruit. By using something called “chip grafting”, he was able to add extra varieties onto the growing baby tree as new, separate branches. Much like when you graft a bone and the body heals back to accept something foreign-but-similar as its own, this technique takes a slim slice off a fruit tree – bud and all – and inserts that bit into a pre-cut incision on the main tree. He tapes the whole thing into place, lets it heal together over winter, and hopefully it can be pruned back enough to turn into something that looks like it was nicked from Charlie’s Chocolate Factory come spring.


I love this idea.

As a fruitbat, I get bored of this monoculture with the same old Cavendish bananas and more-often-than-not tastless strawberries. Once I tried the exotic stuff (or even just high quality regular stuff), going back to the waterlogged shiz made me feel like a sadomasochistic Hitler sentencing my own taste buds to daily genocide. While something like durian may never grow here in Northern Virginia because of the climate, there are still plenty of other fruits that do – and that could be more readily available and simply aren’t because it’s not cost effective and big business is douchey.

Homeboy was super smart with this too. He mapped out which fruit grows when, so that whoever buys these trees won’t be stuck with a ton of stuff they can’t eat. With 40 different fruits, you could buy this tree and have variety and abundance without being inundated.

You know, I was gonna put on my Sunday best to hit Wegman’s, but now I’ve got other plans.

“She could be a faaarmer in those clothes…”

Bish, I can turn any clothes into farming gear.

Not sure if that’s something to brag about…

Either way, so long as Monsanto didn’t fund this li’l artsy venture, I’mma pre-order mine now, nurture it like a newborn fruity infant, and then suck the life out of it like Mother Gothel for the remainder of my days on earth.