We’ve become accustomed (somehow) to the fact that everything’s monitored when we web surf.

But what about when we women folk are surfing that… plus our lady tides simultaneously?

Well, if Mr. Hall worked for the right marketing companies, he might tell Cher he already knew that.

Because this is apparently a new thing happening. In I-told-you-so news, marketers can now get their hands on your flow info – if you’re the type who’s so plugged in that your vaj vitals inevitably cross the ether where they can be observed by those hoping to use it to their advantage. It almost sounds unbelievable until you consider it in application. Everyone, including me, seems to at least kind of like the idea of a Fitbit or smartwatch style device. All you hafta do is rock it while you rock out doing your fave cardio, and it’ll plunk out your stats for you. This is great for folk like me (who’re mentally incapable of figuring out my pace or estimating caloric expenditure) because it means you don’t have to rely on a machine in a gym to know how you’re doing. I do outdoor cardio, so that sounded optimal when I first heard of it. But something about it seemed bothersome. The same thing that makes me download the MapMyRun app and then never actually use it. Something… invasive. I don’t really even want the people I do know, knowing where I run.

So I def don’t want whoever else can see it (who I can’t see) knowing that either. Or my body stats.

And while that may sound eyeroll-you’re-paranoid worthy, advertisers are collecting data from chicks willing to let their body stats cross the interwebz from their smart-gadgets. How? First, by detecting when our body temp rises in a way consistent with the most hormonally crazy phase of your monthly monster. But… why? What are these sick bastards doing with my digital period garbage, the fckkn weirdos? Why, use it to prize dollars from us, of course, what else? According to studies, we’re more prone to risk taking or trying new shiz when the rag’s upon us. In fact, a University of Texas research effort found that women tended to buy new types of anything and everything – from candy bars to lipsticks to pumps (when fertile). And they were willing to play a good round of shutup-n-take-my-money for rando products 15 to 20 percent more than during their low-fertility phases.

So, if you’re among my coven and rely on a traitorous device like this, I suppose you can do one of three things:

1. Throw it away before it injects wiry tentacles into you.

2. Recognize the barrage of ads for what they are when you log into Facebook
(And exercise your willpower to know someone’s trying to rob you while you’re already down and your womb’s crying blood.)

3. Don a utereal tin foil hat like it’s a merkin, keep calm, and tamp on.