Rocking Puma doesn’t mean I am one, boys. #keepmovin

This is just a quick memo for all you high school members of the male species. Especially the ones hitting on me as I escape society for an afternoon woodsy run. Hello, children. My name is MissAshleyPants. And I’m here to shed some light on the very important topic of “cougars”. Ya see, I get that it’s nice to have a notch in your belt carved deeply by the sharp.. Read More

Marriage: still waiting for my grip to come in

I had mild panic attack an hour ago. But this time, as I slowly entered flaccid paralysis, I opted to do a little bit of self-awareness assessment (might’s well, I thought, seeing as there wasn’t much else I was capable of managing). So… what was the source of this sadistic corporeal sorcery? Was it because A.) my detour to Facebook today featured my best friend(who was one’a the last to.. Read More

Hot dog stuffed crust? What next? (I’LL tell ya what.)

You know that feeling you get at the end of a pizza slice? Where you jettison the end bit with the burnt crust to the edge of your plate? And you feel all good about yourself because that’s like at least 500 calories (out of the 10,000 you just wolfed down) that you didn’t consume? Well, don’t get too comfortable with this ritualistic delusion of possessing will power for long… Read More

2 years later, I figure out what Upstream Color’s about.

Recently, after my musings about my affinity for sci-fi romances, I had an epiphany about one of my all time faves: Upstream Color. A couple years back, I wrote this long and disjointed piece about it because – while I loved this shit outta this film – I didn’t quite “get” it. The music was fantastic. The cinematography was next-level. The acting was superb. But, when I tried to explain.. Read More

Death to the inphotels! (ISIS selfie induced suicide)

They always say to be careful what you post online. Photos, posts, tweets, cheeky links… it’s all indelibly inked into your digital journal. Not that anybody ever listens. I mean, in my culture, that typically just means stuff like “Don’t rant about your job!” (’cause your boss might see it). Or: “Don’t get your address in the picture of your house!” (‘cause that one weirdo you forgot to delete from.. Read More

5 things I woke up (that are so not Beyonce)

I’ve got that stupid Beyonce lyric in my head. (Those pajamas look terribly uncomfortable.) I dunno why. Certainly not a desire to partake in the hashtag meme – ‘cause my wakeup’s are far from Sleeping Beauty post coma selfie worthy. At least, I assume they are. I had the mirror removed from the ceiling over my bed after Patrick Bateman and I broke up so there’s no way of knowing.. Read More

Self-conscious? Or self-aware?

What’s the difference between being self-conscious and self-aware? This one’s been a struggle for me. Even though I “know” deep down where the disparity lies, it’s one’a those things that you never truly “get” until you apply it practically – over and over again – in an actual array of ego splitting scenarios you view as opportunities to become more of that latter thing (self-aware) while you grow out of.. Read More

Fallen of the cafe wagon (again.)

Well, I’ve relapsed. Again. Calm down. I mean on coffee. It’s actually not that big of a deal. But lemme backtrack a few steps for those of you who’ve not been updated and know me as a life-long caf-fiend who always swore a life of death before decaf. A few months ago, during my #30daysofnewthings challenge, I opted to nix the gargantuan pot of coffee I might as well have.. Read More

Jenn(d)er switch: Caitlyn’s a bad-Aph bish.

They say a picture’s worth a thousand words. And, I’ll admit, when I first saw Caitlin Jenner’s “Vanity Fair” picture, I had none of my own. Just a shock reaction. (Kaitlyn was the name of my friend I desperately wanted to be as a kid, too. We had the same parts, but I still totes wanted to stage a SWF meets bodysnatchers on her at age nine. So I feel.. Read More

The demon whisperer

I read this quote in an artsy journal a couple years ago: The book was this Barnes & Nobles find – filled with similar quotestagraphics from famey folk (ranging from Radiohead’s lead singer to phrases like Rilke’s) and meant for the purchaser to pen in all their various mental ruminations and bad habits. A vice diary, if you will. Naturally, I gave it away as a gift (instead of putting.. Read More