You can play with my chestketballs. If you don’t stare at them.

“May I have a key to your restroom?” I asked this to the Shell clerk one day en route to a run in the park, while clad in Puma jogging tights. “It’s outside,” he responded. To my vagina. (“That’s two floors above where you’re at, dear.”) He didn’t even try to avert his eyes. It was almost like it was deliberate. Now, while the man in that little IRL anecdote.. Read More

Sandy vaj? There’s a tablet for that.

Do you want to take the blue pill? Or the pink pill? Well, if we’re talking about libido boosters versus making some moral decision about saving the world, it’s pretty simple. We’re all well aware that the notorious “blue pill” is for boys. But what you may not know is that there’s now a pink one, as well – for girls gone dry. And while that’d make a fun title.. Read More

Get paid to join Tramps Anonymous

Ever wish you could put your boobs to work? Ya know – without having to strip, do porn, or sit under airplane seats serving as emergency flotation devices? Me too. But now we need look no further, thanks to a latest trend called “Tittygram” – a service that finally provides the answer for your lifelong question: “Where on the web can I send in a message I’d like to see.. Read More

School dress codes: fight for your right to bawdy body duds.

“Ashley, you’re going to need to put on a sweater. That’s too distracting.” Had the high school teacher who said this to me not been so nice, my ready made reply would’ve been, “For whom? Students? Or (*pause to issue elevator eyes*) teachers?” And this exchange (both the IRL compliance and this hypothetical conversation happening in my head) was exactly what I thought of as I read over VICE’s latest.. Read More

Parachute panties or C string?

I’m not one to follow trends. Okay. That’s a lie. If Gwen Stefani’s doing it, I’mma try it at least once (i.e. red lipstick; literally once). But when it comes to fanny fashion, not so much. Especially if granny panties suddenly go en vogue like they seem to be doing, according to the magazines I shouldn’t be reading and Facebook shares on which I shouldn’t be clicking but totally am… Read More

Why Age of Adaline makes it to my sci-fi romance fave list

Generally, I hate romantic movies. I hate them because they’re too good. Too convincing in their fantastical, illustrative, beautiful lie that says, “This is how life should be”. Or “Relationships like this exist”. It’s the same lie I’ve been fed since I was drowning in my older sister’s purple bras while pretending to be Ariel, and believing Disney’s miscellaneous Prince Charmings were the end-goal and finish line for success –.. Read More

Rent a dude who doesn’t even put out? Thx, no.

So, Japan’s got this new “boyfriend rental service” trending the web. And, I’m just wondering what’s so novel about this. Haven’t escorts always been a thing? Especially in pervy Japan, egg-layer of the Hentai genre? While I’ve got zero point zero plans of going to Japan anytime soon (unless Sofia Coppola comes along and documents the whole thing while a fun post-rock soundtrack plays in the background), I’ll admit –.. Read More

Charlie, Charlie: How this poor man’s Ouija board makes you rich

Remember the games we used to play during kid-hood sleepovers? Bloody Mary? Light as a feather, stiff as a Ouija board? Trying to unscramble the porn channel? Well, shiz just got minimalist with this “Charlie, Charlie” game the kids are playing now to stage a self-freakout (with the actual aim of freaking out the rest of the world later when they share it online). The gist of it is that.. Read More

Zami chair: new technology for your but

Roll over, physioball. There’s a new piece of fitness-freak office furniture on the cubicle block. Called the “Zami Smart”, this silhouette-of-a-tombstone looking thing is supposed to improve upon your run of the mill butt rest by… reprimanding you. That’s right. Say sionara to your enabler seat who’s been condoning this egregious posture of yours reminiscent of a masturbatory monkey. The same posture that makes you turn around and spend half.. Read More

Wet Hot American Summer is a series now?!

Wait… there’s a “Wet Hot American Summer” Netflix series? When the sweater fondler did this shiz happen? You see? This is the karmic injustice I end up getting dealt for nearly never watching T.V. anymore. I miss out on the good stuff. I end up outta the loop about the fact that one of my favorite summer camp movies is being made into hours of entertainment for me to waste.. Read More