Cyborg surgery – coming soon!

“Better, same, or worse?” *click click* “Better? Or just smaller?” I’m not sure which part about going to the optometrist for a prescription update I hate more. It could be the never-ending exam. Or it might be the bit where I’ve gotta try to decipher the top line of letters on a wall sheet (when I can’t even see the sheet. Or the wall). Then again, it could just be.. Read More

I can teach this fish to walk?

It was somewhere around 5ish when the sushi craving began to take hold. Don’t ask me why I referenced Fear and Loathing just now, but I expect it’s likely the fact that all I could think of was that scene with the melting reptilian bog dwelling creatures as I went from having said craving… to reading this article about a walking fish. Perfect timing. Not that I eat fish anyway.. Read More

5 beauty lies I tell myself. And by myself, I mean you.

Part of my spiritual path is making others feel better about themselves. Ya know? Showing others how beautiful they are and all that? So, today, as I was ritualistically caking assorted liquids and powders on the front of my skull, I thought, “What better way to do that than to call on another part of my spiritual path? The part where I’m meant to be honest?” You see, in writing,.. Read More

Human Centipede director hopes somepsycho copies his work

Well, kinda. It’s implied by director Tom Six, at least, in this VICE interview I just read: In the movies, characters keep repeating that this stuff is 100 percent medically accurate, and that you could really do it. It almost seems like it’s your intention to make somebody copy it. Do you want someone to create a real human centipede? Uh… It would be great marketing, of course, if it.. Read More

Why the fluff should I forgive YOU?

I love a good quote. ‘specially one dubbed “PHUCKYOQUOTE”: (Eff your quote? Or Eff YOU? Misspelled?) Either way, I found this little line of thought to be particularly interesting today. Espesh with respect to that one line on “forgiveness”. Mostly ‘cause I myself have been trying to strike a balance lately between not being an asshole while also authentically expressing my genuine feelings and respecting my own needs. And how’m.. Read More

The upside of the robot apocalypse

Something dawned on me yesterday. Something that launched a cascade of mental mastication. I was just enjoying my evening jog and thinking about the kinds’a things every normal human does during such excursions. Like, for instance, what life’s gonna be like when the brain-ternet gets here. Ya know? When we all have the web readily available since it’s gonna be an app embedded in our skulls? No screen tapping. No.. Read More

That bra *really* compliments you. No. Literally.

When you think about it, we’re all already kinda sorta cyborgs. Half-human, half-machine. I mean, really. Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t think of that glassy plastic brick you check every point four seconds as an extra limb? Or that the day they cut the ribbon for the grand opening of the Apple implant plastic surgery center… that you won’t be the first in line to.. Read More

Am I a wanderlust mutant?

“We choose to go to the moon in this deCADE and do the otha’ thangs! Not becahz they ah’ easy – but because they ah’ hah’d!” (See below for actual, OG, non-racist-against-Northerners quote): For whatever reason this line always comes to mind when I’m intentionally putting extra ladles full of effort helpings on my plate – whether it’s more work, running out on a rocky terrain, or seeing how much.. Read More

Un’s latest experimental execution: anti-aircraft fire on one man.

Ever wonder what it’d be like to have ultimate power? Like, ya know, Kim Jong Un has? I remember writing a thing in sixth or seventh grade called “Absolute Power Corrupts Absolutely”. The idea is that when you have unchecked influence over a group’a folk, you’ll turn into a diabolical asshole. The acquisition of power part way through your life is bad enough – but I suppose then at least.. Read More

Self talk: Is your brain betching your soul out?

“Hey. HEY. Ashley.” I heard this voice the other night while in my bed. I was inside my double locked apartment. Where I live totally alone. (Calm down, Mikey. This ain’t that kindofa thriller.) But the reality behind it is kind thrilling. I mean, sure, had I still been in the phase of my life where I was watching unsolved mysteries and supernatural thrillers before bedtime, I’d’ve been 100% positive.. Read More