What the flipper? There’s a “mermaid academy” in the Philippines? Drop everything and pack your bags. I can’t believe I’ve been wasting my whole summer learning to enjoy what I’ve been given in this life when I could have been transferring over money I don’t have and going into debt so that I could fly to this resort where I can finally live out my dream of becoming Ariel. At.. Read More
Drone wedding photos (try not to get seasick)
I thought I needed my contacts updated… …but clearly it’s just this horrible new wedding photo trend. Ya know, I get the 360 degree or panorama pictures. Those are fun because they make you feel like you’re wherever the douchebag trying to make you jealous is. They teleport that same post-cardy sentiment of “wish you were here” and fully capture how it felt to be overlooking Mount Whatever-akalau in Hawaii.. Read More
No nip slip, No Doubt
No matter how anti-Hollywood-idol I may be, I’ll always adore Gwen. And she just keeps giving me reasons to keep loving her. For example, this: Did you notice – other than because of my spoiler title- that she’s nursing a baby (or that she’s even had a baby, for that matter with that ridiculous body)? Because I sure didn’t. This might just be my confirmation bias at work, but this.. Read More
This Indian kid’s got more teeth than Hindus at a mela
When my friend Rich posted an image of some dental anomaly that made my skin gain temporary involuntary wavelike motility a few months ago, I thought, “Pshhya…. that can’t be real.” (Yep. Still gives me insect flesh) Naturally, I put on my detective boots and initiated one of my many brave Google expeditions. A grueling one hundred seconds later, I was able to confirm that indeed – it was not.. Read More
Env-eye-ronmental balancing
I couldn’t wait to get glasses when I was a kid. It’s not because I knew I couldn’t see (I didn’t have any normal-control to which I could compare my Monet filtered life); it was just because I wanted to look like one of my favorite storybook characters. And nerdy Ivy I was – for a while at least. But it wouldn’t be until years later that I’d learn whether.. Read More
Cell-fish mindless dining.
I hate on my own phone a lot here on MissAshleyPants. Because it’s slowly trying to kill me. With a little help from my laptop, it’s ruined my eyes, deformed my posture, and many a day has turned to night unbeknownst to me during my hours spent on these contraptions. Also, I hate running with my phone – it’s like carrying one dumbbell wherever you go. And you know who.. Read More
Schwinns of Anarchy
I’m getting a bike. You’re sweet, Jax. But I just mean a regular old run of the mill Huffy or Schwinn or whatever you kids call it nowadays. Especially when gas prices are this ridiculously unnecessarily. And the establishing of city-owned gas stations is hurting more than helping. Now, that might sound contradictory – because the city owned gas stations like the one in Kentucky actually lower gas prices slightly… Read More
Bugs and bubonic plague are all up in China.
Ya know… back in my day… “Black Death” was a hyperbolic way of making excuses. Avoid a second date. Play hookey. Avoid a second date playing with a hooker (she should have said she was “in transition” the first time). All around, it was a nice way to say “I’m not really ill with anything – much less an ancient plague – but the idea of going out with you.. Read More
Reviews on movies I lost neurons watching: “The Other Woman”
First, I’d like to say Kate Upton, Cameron Diaz, and Leslie Mann are all gorgeous. That said – my rating for “The Other Woman” (a film I reluctantly watched because I was brain dead, sick at the time, and it was free to stream online even though my computer probably contracted AIDS in the process), is a huge thumbs down. Or thumbs up – if I’m one of those ancient.. Read More
From condoms to condiments – what expires?
“That’s funny. This expired when I was ten years old.” I’d been shopping through my mom’s spice cabinet yesterday for herbs to add to my soup. That was when I encountered some containers that should’ve been tossed out around the same year I sucker punched Marquita for kissing my first boyfriend. One or two of the spices had gone funky – as a quick whiff confirmed. And for whatever reason,.. Read More