So, Japan’s got this new “boyfriend rental service” trending the web.

And, I’m just wondering what’s so novel about this. Haven’t escorts always been a thing?

Especially in pervy Japan, egg-layer of the Hentai genre?

While I’ve got zero point zero plans of going to Japan anytime soon (unless Sofia Coppola comes along and documents the whole thing while a fun post-rock soundtrack plays in the background), I’ll admit – I was intrigued. (When isn’t faux funded love interesting?) So, reading on, I came to learn this specific company (Rental Kareshi Premium) was recently introduced on this popular Japanese morning show, and that’s why it’s been a trendy topic. Exposure is everything. But, ironically, exposure is something your product won’t do with you on a date. They’ll go out with you, but not put out. I’m already falling asleep just thinking of this. I can “friend zone” anyone for free. That’s, like, one of the few redeeming factors we’re awarded for being cursed with a vagina. We get to say when sex happens or doesn’t. Now, you’re going to tell me I’m going to award someone money in order to turn me down? Like I’m some common man getting a lap dance in a champagne room?

But I’m open minded – what else can we do?

Well, apparently we can: Go to the arcade (with my money). Go to karaoke (with my money).

Have him buy things for me (with my money.)

Wait, what? Shopping with my own money? Yes, this is exactly like IRL boyfriends past.

(Says more about my bad choosing skills than anything else, really.)

And all’a that’s not even counting what you’re already spending per hour on your Enterprise companion. After the cost of dinner, drinks, and the stuff he bought with my dough, it really kinda adds up. Plus, you’d want at least a few quality hours together so that you have sufficient time to delude yourself into thinking you’ve really made a genuine connection with a fellow human and that you’re not just a self cast John-ette in a remake of “My Own Private Idaho” lite. Since, ya know, the service is PG – only standing spooning, no horizontal forking. Or forking of any kind. Not only is that a humiliating limitation, but it’s also such a waste of time, energy, and money alike. Sure, I guess this service is nice for girls who do the dating-for-validation-by-peers thing. But all I can think of is how I can be not having sex with the people I already know. I’m bad at math, so I dunno exactly how much of a waste of money this’d be. But I do know I’d rather just wait until they perfect a realistic, fully equipped, Ex Machina man-droid for me to buy instead.

Till then, I’ll just opt for the next best kinda machine rental: a very sexy car.

At least you get to ride those.