You thought I forgot about you, my fellow badboy fanatics.
Well, I didn’t. Because today, we’re celebrating: Gaston.
I guess I’ve been a bit off ever since birth (or at least soon after) because I remember watching Beauty and the Beast when it first came out – and when I saw Gaston, I ignored how into himself he was and thought Belle was a dumbass and a half for not even giving him the old college try. (I found out why for myself when I eventually dated an IRL replica of him about fifteen years later.) But unlike my real life Disney dude – a human with oscillating moods, positive qualities, and defects – Gaston is an indelible icon of misogyny and vanity that we can love to hate (or hate ourselves for loving). And when a cartoon gets brought to life as a parody instead of a boyfriend, it’s a dream come true for my child side.
And this one Disneyland impersonator has it nailed.
When he was challenged to the pushup contest, I really thought that poor barely-pubescent kid who’d just gotten his first muscles over summer from Freshman football practice was gonna get his ass handed to him. But I still wasn’t expecting G-unit’s muscles underneath the fake suit-ones to deliver so well. The funny thing is – the kid’s actually doing the ass handing if we’re all paying attention – full range of motion and all’a that compared to the halvsies Long Locks is doing over there. But that just proves homie’s worthiness of my villain medal award even more; a good villain isn’t root-able because of his morals and scruples and playing by the rule-ness. It’s because they’re enigmatic enough to woo your attention away from truth through a dazzling magic act of performance peacockery like this. (*Note the gleaming smile during the one handed pushup.) Obviously, human-villain falls terribly short of our OG fairy story ideal, but that doesn’t matter. He still totally wins because he’s mimicking a Disney legend (and covers always have a lot to live up to) and his cartoon-y display was still on fleek. Mostly because this burly man bear never breaks his over-the-top character.
And gives zero fckks whether you’re a boy, man, or small female child.
You’re all getting the same thing.
I’d be remiss if I didn’t touch on the fact that story Gaston is root-worthy for all these same reasons and more – not to mention that during retro times, you needed to be a hard ass, alpha male to survive and pass on your genes. And it’s not so bad (in a way – given the time) that he’d expect wifey to have a cleaning rag in one hand, dinner in the other, and a human in her womb. People took their place to survive back then. And as a chick, unless you’re a tit-cutting Amazonian or you’re selling stuff, then that job’s keeping a home and propagating the line. Gaston got shit done, was proud about it, and aimed for a hottie in his league.
Even if he did probably have a tiny penis.
That said, I legitimately wonder how impersonator Gaston acts outside of his character. Like, I’m turning into those kids who see the impersonator Elsa at the “Frozen” live show and go apeshit over it. Because, for me, “Beauty and the Beast” and all those contemporary cartoons were and always will be the equiv to my Frozen. So now, my inner kid wants to know – is he that loud in reeeeal life? Does he really eat two dozen raw eggs? If I dress up like Belle and come tell him that I accept his proposal, will he finally break character? Or just say, “GOOD!” and then take off his shoes and tell me to rub his feet? Which I totally will?
Old habits die hard.