I keep seeing this thoughtcatalog.com post floating around about “Facebook statuses that need to stop”.

Anyone see it too?

As the title suggests, the author finds five major genres of status on social media annoying enough that they “need to stop”. And while I definitely don’t disagree with the vexing nature of some of these (okay, all) shares better reserved for the shrink, something kind of annoys me about the article whenever I see it. Is it the repetition? Is it how short the post is? Am I just bitter I didn’t think of it first? No, I think it’s just the fact that there’s no solution offered to supplant this horrible behavior. You know, a Scientific American article I once read stated that if rats didn’t have a new habit to replace a bad habit they’d learned, they’d just keep going back to the bad one. So, how about we use that? Yes, the problem’s these thread-seshes of circle jerk drama. And the replacement? Just tell the truth. For example…

1. The Pity CliffHanger

The author, rightfully, talks about how the “FML” and “meh” or “ugh” posts contribute nothing as an overall statement about your life. Unless there’s a superbowl or political debate going on, no one knows what you’re talking about and they’re pretty much just cries for attention. It’s like a more subtle e-version of a suicide threat (which on Facebook means the follow-up post of “I’m deleting my account! Goodbye cruel web!). Or your girlfriend pouting, crossing her arms, and saying “Nuffin…”and sighing when you ask her what’s wrong. So, what’s the truth soluche? This:

“Hello, friends. I’m having a bad day. But since I’m not personally close enough to any of you in the 3D world, I don’t feel comfortable actually reaching out to you on an individual basis and asking for a shoulder to cry on. Plus, I probably don’t deserve it – since it’s partially my fault for not making real world connections with you. But I’m asking for it anyway: will whoever of you are willing to be an ear please private message me? So I can vent? And then we can end with making plans for a coffee date? Which I won’t keep? Thx.”

2. The Misery Shocker

When it’s just for venting, the “shocker” isn’t so bad. It’s a social arena. Whatever. People can commiserate. But if you combine the cliffhanger thing from part one, this one is so transparent as a “look at me!” that it’s almost worthy of unfriending (depending on how often whoever it is does it). And I’ll be first to admit, that used to be me. When you see life through nada but a misery filter, that’s your reality. So, your big events to share are the macabre ones (“I had an accident!” or “I have this horrible sickness!”) So the truth post should be:

“I have trouble celebrating my good news on here because I prefer to believe the world is against me. All the time. Although most of these instances are likely a butterfly-effect end product of my lifestyle choices and daily decisions, changing those things is far too hard. So, instead, I’m going to carry on with posting about how reality is punishing me. That way I can be a victim and validated with your attention and pity on this post below.”

3. The Dear Diary Aimless Angst

The author of the article points out how posts better suited to private messages (or personal journals IMO) are not only annoying in their aimless angst and spreading of negativity, but also a waste of newsfeed saying things like, “I hate when bishes don’t get back to me” or “say it to mah face, mahfuggah!” Yes. I see this one a lot. And generally, the person on the receiving end of it doesn’t even have an account (or if they do, aren’t friends with them on Facebook). I wonder how many sneaky shade-throwers post these things, ARE friends with the person on Facebook, and then just hide the post from them? That’s not even backstabbing. That’s front stabbing with an invisible knife. So, the truth-soluche is this post:

“Somebody is bothering me right now. But I’m too spineless to bring it up with them while looking them in the eye. Instead, I’m going to start the ball rolling here so that we can collaboratively gossip with me about this person you don’t know. It might be your mother, for all you know. But who cares? Let’s hate!”

4. The friend dump

Oooh. Guilty! I’m guilty of the above – but by warning ahead of time. And have a reason. That reason is: please don’t send me game invites or we can’t be friends anymore. Lucky for me, the poster’s major gripe is with the “Spring cleaned my friends list! Congrats if you’re reading this ‘cause you made the cut!” (Like you’re Tyra and this is Top Model and everyone’s so blessed to be your bud still until next round.)

Truth-soluche post here?

“Something is happening in my life to make me feel angry and insecure and powerless. And since I don’t know how to work a machine gun, an electronic holocaust on my friends list seems like a good second option. By telling you about it, I get the added benefit of an inflated sense of self when (hopefully) you post something like, “Yay! I made it!” If my delete-sesh had been me genuinely thinking “Gee, I have a lot of connections on here that don’t serve me”, I wouldn’t have bothered with this post at all. Because they’re gone now. And they can’t read this. But you can. So I need you to validate me with the closer bond we now have of you surviving my friend-o-cide. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.”

5. Minute-to-minute post

“I just ate a sandwich”. “Taking a shower”. “Work sucks”. I’d say they have Twitter for these rapid fire life function FYI’s – but that’d condone people doing it on Twitter (which I also hate to see). I have at least a few friends who do this, and you know what I’ve noticed? They’re all usually really unhappy and overweight. You know why? Because when you only use the online community to focus on yourself, life feels pretty effing lonely. And to cope, you end up eating your feelings or drugs or making me want to with your relentless updates. Truth-soluche?

“If I branched out and actually talked about other people, places, ideas, or events outside of myself, I’d probably be at least five percent happier. But I’m so used to this solipsistic universe that change seems painfully hard. That’s half of it. The other half is that I make-believe that if I keep posting my mundane updates, one of them will generate a few likes, eventually. And then I can survive another day of my solitary meals and sitting in traffic. Even though this process has failed me for the past five years and I’d do better to install the 90’s AIM “smarterchild” robot to my phone, I’ll keep trying: I’m taking a shiz now. ”

6. Over-hashtag

#gym #selfie #yolo #imspendingmoney #ieatwherecelebritiesdo #ujelly?

Unless used ironically, over-hashtagging is just a spammy pound sign.

If you can’t control that urge on your own, here’s a truth-post to use in lieu:

“Hi guys! I’ll be using this part of my post to infuse your brain with details and buzzwords and about my life that I want you to associate with me even though you really couldn’t giver fewer fckks about it if you tried your absolute hardest. Like that I’m at the gym. Or shopping at a store most people can’t afford. #YOLO!”

I feel like this list could go on further and longer than Celine Dion’s Titanic heart.

But we’ll sink this ship for now.

Got any to add?