A news bit I watched recently on longevity asked the question:

“If you could extend your life by three years from jogging, would you do it?”

That depends. How much of those three years do I have to pay in jogging? This already sounds like one of those deals with the built in fees or a net lottery win of five dollars after the government took the other million. As my dad’s favorite line goes, “How much is that gonna cost me?”

Seven minutes. A day. Science says.


I call bullshit.

Now I’m just doubting the figure they have to offer instead of worrying about having to do work. Not five? Not ten? Somewhere uncomfortably and awkwardly right in the middle? You know, while I’m a big fan of listening to your body and moderating, I’m also a huge proponent of a philosophy called “if you’re gonna do it, do it right.” And seven minutes ain’t right. It’s not an even five increment and it’s not even an even number and I’m getting anxious just thinking that there are people who are going to actually time themselves to stop jogging when they’re three minutes short of ten.

Why would Science Christ forsake me thus so?

It’s not just my control freak OCD talking either. I say that ‘cause there’s a whole blissful world you can enter after you’ve been in run mode for ten minutes or so. Here in the field, we pavement profeshes and trail trotting experts call it “runner’s high”. I live for that so much that I almost don’t want anyone else to ever run anywhere near me.

I feel like there’s a finite supply.

And I want it all for myself.


’cause once I’m there, time stops existing.

But it takes an initial time investment to get there.

So why shoot so low when it takes more than seven minutes to get to heaven? I had to think about this – since my nation’s short-bus special. Trying to debate whether the “bare minimum” philosophy helps or hurts lazy Americans, I recalled that Maharishi yogi dude (who brought inner peace to the Beatles and ‘murca back in the 60’s). Homeboy told Deepak Chopra that he exaggerated what spirituality can do (he said people could fly) because, “If I tell them to run 100 miles, they’ll run 10 – but if I tell them to run one mile, they won’t even get up.”

Metaphorically, that works.

I mean – at least as far as a spiritual practice goes (because once they learned to meditate like a boss, ain’t nobody got time to be mad anymore – least of all about levitation). But on a literal level – for lazy, anxious, overstimulated Americans – not so much when we’re talking cardio. There are so many days I’ll tell myself “I’ll just do ten minutes! It’s better than nothing.” And then, an hour and fifteen minutes later, I’m just getting back home –astonished at the time and feeling like a reformatted sentient computer that’s just gone through a wormhole. And – speaking of spiritual stuff – there is something kinda meditative about it too. I’m suddenly able to go back to work mode tranquilly instead of having my computer short circuit because of all the foreveralone tears that fell between the keys or my breaks every five minutes to sketch hesitation marks with a Swiss army knife across my wrist veins. All because I dreamt small and then took it one earthy sweaty sneakered step at a time the rest of the way. Ultimately, I dunno how this sci-quote will work – everyone responds to different brain hacks. But when it comes to destressing, my culture’s most adulated spirituality is the distilled kind.

So, mayhaps lowballing will help us replace highballs with a natch high outside.

Do it enough and eventually you won’t have to even look for silver linings anymore.


I predict you’ll spent your three extra years…

… enjoying the bliss that happens after investing three extra minutes.

I mean, “if it’s me reading the signs“.