Maybe I should join the military.

That way my dog can love me as much as all these other dogs gone viral do when their humans return from deployment. I mean these mother fluffers get next-level amped at the sight of their soldier guardians, and mine just lays there like I’m some banal phantom when I meander back through my front door. She might put forth just enough effort to sardonically side eye me – just to let me know that there’s no doubt: “Nah, I see you. I just don’t care”. In fact, she acts more bitchy about me leaving (which she lets me know via explosive fecal unleashing) than gleeful about my return. Home girl could glean a thing or two from these four legged military dependents. ‘cause, with respect to owner homecomings, there’s a plethora of appropriate pup conduct out there for her to emulate. And ain’t nunna them involves ass planting while issuing me the Daria glare. So, Minnie, this post’s for you. There’re at least five styles of love expression I welcome you to try until you get a bit more creative and find your own artistic voice.

How shouldst thou love me? Let me list the ways.

Try out:

1.) The Spastic

I still don’t believe this doesn’t have some rapid-fire fast forward effect; but if you even put mayhaps ten percent of your energy into this, Minnie, I promise you a gold star for effort. And by “gold star”, I mean more junk food than you already get which is probably why you’ve stopped loving me in the first place (#spoiled).

2.) The Whiner

To be fair, I think this may be a Golden Retriever thing. So you might get a pass on this one, my loveless daughter. I’ve only ever heard my ex’s dog – also a Golden – make these kinds’a noises while pacing around.

3.) The Reverse Lap Jumper

Even just a regular lap jump would suffice.



4.) The Euro Kisser

Sure, the bilateral smooch may seem contrived and false airs-y, but it’s like I always say:

Two mutt mug kisses are better than zero. Unless you just ate your own poop.

(Did you just eat your own poop?)

…and my personal favorite…

5.) The Cenobyte

It’s kinda like a mimed version of what normal dogs do when the shart pockets of their ass are full. Seriously, though. This paralyzed pup deserves a purple heart himself for such a heroic greeting despite having non-functional hind limbs. Especially when mine just pretends like hers are to celebrate my arrival. And when if this fails to inspire my sociopathic hound, what’s my Plan B?

I dunno…. Maybe it’d be enough to just suit up with some camos right before I unlock the door.

Rock a crew cut for good measure.

Worth a try.