What do you do when someone gives you a gift?

That you hate?

You smile and pretend like you’re totally not gonna throw away the fabric holocaust that is this sweater which makes your shoulder and hips look like Melissa McCarthy’s body on a quasi-normal face, right? Or hit PetFinder – to find a home for the pup you were gifted who can’t stop chewing the furniture? And by “furniture”, I mean flesh… off your shin bones? Even if the gift is has several rows of teeth, breathes napalm, and is currently laying eggs inside of your face holes through membranous tentacles – you still say “Thank You” like the polite, civil, human specimen that you are. And then you go home and sort out how to dispose of it – and all the emotional damage it’s induced – undetected.

Because… it was free.

I feel like we’re all on the same page here. Yes? So how about when you find yourself graced with one of those amazing, rare days of “Free Coffee” at your local Starbucks? Is that so different? According to one loser who’s probably ruined it for us all, yes. Yes it is. I mean, my favorite greedy legal upper potion pusher prizes my money from me on a near-daily basis, and I never get free shiz from ‘em. Maybe that’s because, back in 2012, some guy (happens to be a cop – but I won’t give the fuzz a collective negative name by insinuating that’s why he’s a douche nozzle supreme) sued ‘bucks for his free sample of joe. After it spilled on him.

’cause it was “too hot”.

Three points on this matter:

A.) Isn’t that the standard warning? “Caution… hot”? So you temp-check it first?
B.) It’s meant to be drunk, not showered under. Double check your lid.
C.) His hair looks like it would go well with a Zack Morris cell phone.

The worst part for me was the weakest-ever blame laying of his Crohn’s Disease flare-up on the spill.

Because… stress?

Ya know, I’m not totally heartless here. Crohn’s, I hear, is a betch and a half. Of course that’s horrible. And, I’m very sorry you’re dealing with such a terrible disease. But… maaaaybe… god gave it to you… because you do, ya know, dumb things? Like, fail to follow proper coffee nomming protocol? Maybe?

Word to the wise: next time our magnanimous drug dealer gives you a freebie “personal” sampler of complimentary coffee, do me a favor. First, don’t be dumb enough to spill it on yourself. There’s a whole sign on the cup about that, a lid to prevent it, and the common knowledge that if you buy a warm drink, you double check that the lid’s secure and do the blow-n-tongue taste test before gastro take off. That’s like three and a half layers of duh that you have to be an Olympic level idiot to miss. But, if you do manage to fail that first bit of advice I have to offer, please don’t look even dumber and ungrateful by spotlighting it via lawsuit.

That’s just bad manners.

And inconsiderate to the rest of us who’d willingly be scalded for free Starbucks.