Still don’t know where to spend summer?

Why not pack up the family and take the kids to one of these theme parks that probably shouldn’t exist?

First up:


Wait – was that the human centipede I saw in there?

Located in Jeju, South Korea, this adult theme park opened in 2004 to “break barriers of sexual social pressures”. And who’s responsible for this brilliance? 20 Hongik University students collaborated on these pieces before erecting them – pardon the peen.

I mean pun.


Kingdom of Little People

Welcome to prejudiced China! In between eating dog kabob, why not mosey on over to Kingdom of Little People for some good old fashioned exploitation of the vertically and proportionally challenged?

Actually, the Vice vid makes it look less bad than it sounds.

Dude, can I go live there?

A lot of little folk get into show biz as a way of profiting off a perceived deficit. Looks like they’re having a pretty good time in this theater-meets-college home (except for eyelid guy – you can’t tell me he’s happy with that gig). They’ve got romances, dormitories, others they can related to, and seem overall pretty content. Unless I’m missing the part where their boss beats them off camera, it looks pretty legit to me.

Angry Birds Land

This ridiculous waste of space is in Finland.

I want to create “Violent Eyeroll Land” right next door.

Can we just resurrect Pacman or Frogger and make a park for them instead?

I have nothing to say about this except: why do theme parks still use music that sounds like the soundtrack to a late 50’s flick?

Holy Land Experience

For our last one, let’s go on a Jesus journey.

Situated in Florida, this place lets you do shiz like take part in the last supper and witness Jesus getting stabbed with nails (so you can remember to feel guilty for being born – just in case you forgot and Gibson’s flicks aren’t doing it for ya anymore).

Just don’t catch Messiah Complex while you’re there. Apparently that’s an actual thing people seem to come down with while traipsing through sacred territory.

Man. How disappointing.

I was looking forward to a serene Jesus. Not this Las Vegas performer with turgid body language from doing thirty-three hundred of these a day. Was that even his actual voice or some pre-recorded crap? Did they really whip the rock instead of J-man? So many questions and not enough interest to wait, hear, or digest the answers. My verdict? Emotional smut. Pointless. Do you want to do better in the world after watching sad reenactments? Or just feel bad about yourself?

I’mma say the same thing I tell the two girls who keep coming to my door asking if I have a moment to hear about our mutual savior: if you like Jesus (you should – the real one seems like he was a good dude), then be such a good example of living like him that people wanna know how you got that way. And then they ask you. Then that’s your in to mention your ethereal homeboy. (Protip: I have this feeling judgey elevator eyes weren’t part of his thing) That goes for for any spiritual path. It applies whether you follow the 12 steps or the 12 commandments.

Also, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen “Mary” on Pornhub.