In a few years, I’ll be thanking this few-years-old kid for making me a billionaire:
But first, some context for my product to be:
Okay, so you know how people buy ridiculously overpriced gym memberships and never use them? I think I’ve ranted on that before – in a previous blog – how people feel like if they fork out money, they’ll be held accountable to actually get off their ass and hit the elliptical (and other miscellaneous foreign swole-making machinery I don’t know how to use that lives in the corner of 24 hour fitness). That’s the main reason, I’m sure. Because it wasn’t until I fell in love with working out, that I realized a universal truth none’a us wanna admit: the world can be your gym if you let it. For free, you can take to the street or trail instead of rat-wheeling on a treadmill, you don’t even hafta leave home to do couch-tricep dips, and what’dya need more than a floor to do your dat-ass-tho inducing squat sessions? When you love working out, you don’t need to be held accountable. But, I didn’t always love working out. So I get that some people still need to be held accountable to meet their weight loss goals. And since we esteem money so much in this country that we write “god” on it, it makes sense that most do it with cents.
But what happens when you can’t afford to renew your gym memberships?
Who will hold you accountable for energy expenditure?
Why the thing that collects your unexpended energy, of course.
Enter my latest innovative concept: The EZ-Spill. Once I’ve officially designed this toilet and it goes to market, everyone will want it. What the EZ-Spill provides is that same aspect my 21 day virtual ab challenge coach always goes on about right before I put him on mute: how diet’s a big part of weight loss. Even I, on my newly vegan path, have learned that swearing off processed slop doesn’t exclude you from being able to gain five pounds in thirty seconds because you binged on dried tart cherries, cashews, and coconut shavings when it snowed and you couldn’t leave home. So, what’s the fix? It’s EZ, really. Because EZ-Spill will spill easily and flood everywhere if it tries to flush anything with a mass greater than that consistent with the discarded parts of an appropriate sized meal. In a way, this is far better than a membership you pay for once and only think about when the button above your fly flies off when you go to sit, with such projectile force that it permanently blinds the man sitting across from you on the train. Indeed. This answer looks outside the box of leftover Chinese you’ll suddenly be inclined to decline. Because much like the regretful three-year-old in the video above, you’ll henceforth be reevaluating your lifestyle choices on a daily (Bidaily? Tridaily?) basis – when you perform a basic life function.
And, yes, alternative options for this product’s name are still being considered.
“The Katrina Latrine” and “BIG EZ-Spill”.