Ah, Psych Today delivers again.
And this time it’s with a refreshing take on this whole “mental toughness” deal I touched on a few days ago.
In that last article (speaking on that OG viral piece about what mentally tough people don’t do), I was a bit annoyed with the negative language and how little the author brought in the more human elements and tendencies to her advice. While I make the concession that her book probably has more insight, let’s be honest – more people are gonna see this 13 pointer freebie that circulates instead. My gripe was thus that I was hearing a lot about what the emotionally musclebound avoid and not enough about what I can do to match what they’re doing – because I’m only told what habits they reject.
“Well duh, Ash. just don’t do those things EITHER – and you’ll be like them.”
But of course.
Why didn’t I think about that?
Maybe it’s ’cause it, ya know, doesn’t work so well long term if it doesn’t come naturally to you. Ever tried to sit and meditate like all those blissed out folk do? And it’s super hard because your brain is going into loops? If it were easy to just change a thought or thought-loop like those things decimating your serenity, then we’d all be “mentally tough”. We wouldn’t even need to meditate. Shit, we wouldn’t need articles on the topic to begin with. We’d just power on and off at will. But since we don’t come equipped with a think-switch, we have to rely on a lot of practice, and add new thought-habits where we erase old ones. And that takes self-awareness. (“Oh shit, I’m getting anxious. Why? What am I thinking right now – can I change that thought before exiting from the 12th story window seems like the only option there is?”)
Enter this Psych Today piece: “Are you really mentally strong or just really good at bullshitting the idiots around you?”
(I may have paraphrased.)
What’s appealing about this is that it addresses that above issue concerning the fact that in order to get to that point, we gotta do the inner work too. Otherwise we make ourselves miserable trying to match up to the platonic ideal we envisage ourselves to be. Much like going to the gym, we require a routine mind-grind if we want to get emotionally swoll. And while that’s pretty tough to explain in one common language for everyone (since every person faces different demons dragging ‘em down), Amy Morin does a pretty good job of highlighting some of the more salient things we can do to improve our form when the old brain picks up the barbell or takes to the treadmill after a lifetime of binging on misery. I won’t reblog the whole article (this is long enough – you can read it here). But here are my faves:
“Mental strength is about recognizing shortcomings and acknowledging the hard work needed to reach a goal.”
(Versus, ya know, claiming you can do anything and getting pissed off when you can’t deliver ’cause ya didn’t prepare.)
“Monitoring of one’s emotional state helps mentally strong people be in control of their emotions, so their emotions don’t control them.”
(Unlike me – who gets so caught up in negative thought pasta till it turns into an anxiety seizure and playing kitchen pitcher with the dishware)
And a yes-and to that last one as it relates to others:
“Mentally strong people focus their energy on being in control of their own thoughts, feelings, and behavior, rather than always trying to control external circumstances and people”
(Or just bail like Bale. Jibes with that old “When in doubt, do nothing and/or remove yourself” advice.)
’cause you literally can’t control other people. Get angry and loud about it and all you’re doing is making everyone around you miserable. Including yourself. Think that’s not true? How many times have you used wrath-blackmail to get your way and then suddenly face morphed from angry-shrew into Julia Roberts sized smile after? Pretty much never. ‘cause being social Ebola is a habit that starts with your shitty thoughts and blossoms into a horror orchard that just keeps dropping its gloom seeds everywhere until your whole world’s canopied by this angst jungle and you can’t even remember what the sun looked like.
And then, we’ll end on this one –about pain tolerance – which I’m half-n-half on agreement-wise:
“They focus on personal growth and meaningful development, rather than treating their bodies like a machine.”
(And if you’re not Ironman, that’s your measly blood filled flesh suit ya came with.)
I like the idea behind this – every icky feeling should accompany a two part wrap up of “what’s the solution?” and “what’d we learn here today?” I suppose when it comes to talking about physical fortitude, the language can start to sound a little eyerolly, can’t it? But that’s all “meaningful development” means – the old “what can be gleaned from this shitshow?”
However, the thing about pain – especially chronic pain – that we attempt to work through is that it has a very emotional tie. Hit the floor for an intensive IT band release session on that foam roller and see if your brain doesn’t start hunting down any other kinda thoughts to make you not think about the pain radiating into your lower limb. When I’m trying to address body pain of this level, my mind will rip open the haunted cognitive cellar door and invite every demon I’ve shoved down there up for tea and biscuits. It’s a bastard thing to do, but it’s necessary. Almost every time I’ve got a “where the eff’d this come from?” ache that wasn’t caused by me eating it on rainy afternoon jog, it has to do with something inner I haven’t addressed. (‘cause I don’t wanna.) But once I do, it’s like signing a peace treaty with this inimical nation I can’t just fcck off my internal map. Finally, I can know it’s there, without sending out nukes any time it vexes me.
My point isn’t that we should treat our body “like a machine” or keep sprinting when your tibia’s sticking outta your skin. Nay, sir. My point’s that sometimes our surface thoughts – and the fear that comes with ‘em – can create a variable in our judgment about where our authentic finish line is when it also creates that surge of anxiety hormones we all get which cause that familiar, physically unpleasant response. It’s just fear induced fatigue. Thought caused lethargy. And that can make us believe we’ve “had enough” when we haven’t even scratched the surface of the magic we’re capable of conjuring up for ourselves. That’s when we go back to Amy M’s bit of advice on mental monitoring. If you’re like me, that might be “Am I really tired or am I just wanting it to be over ‘cause this mirror in front of my treadmill is a nightmarish reminder that I’m never gonna look like the girl who was my thinspiration for this visit in the first place? So why bother? Why bother at all?!” Then I remember that it’s better to at least be a pony when aiming for unicorn status than regressing into a rhino ’cause at least you’re increasing the chance for happiness.
But you’ve gotta fight for it like it’s the Hunger Games.
Whether it’s the treadmill or the text book or an imminent deadline.
And I’m not saying “kill yourself physcially to seek external validation”.
I’m saying that where the body leaves off the mind takes over and vice versa. And that it’s a constant, perpetual interplay. Yes, the inside-job’s crucial here too – which brings to mind a concession I have about this whole “are you faking it?” and “the thought plants the seed thing”. Much like yin and yang and all that ebb and flow crap, there is a place for “fake it till you make it” in there, believe it or not. Because that phrase is about physically meeting your abstract goals at the midpoint instead of simply fantasizing about ’em from a sofa. Yoga’s a great example – any pretzel bending yogi perched on a pillow will tell ya those poses ain’t shit without the mind-part synching gears with them. Otherwise you’re just a flexible douche bag. A literal poser. Similarly, the problem with how “fake it till you make it” is perceived, is that most people go with the “fake it” bit. And they stop. They never bother to make it – the part you gotta do from your gooey center. Both are needed. It’s not saying “fake it and eventually you’ll make it because you faked it”. It’s also not, “keep faking it as if you’ve made it”. It’s says specifically “until” you make it. Which means, yes, wake up and go through the motions of being part of this world – even when you don’t wanna.
But also do the work to copy ‘n paste the façade of your habit castle into that crack house beyond its drawbridge.
And how will you know when that happens?
When you’re “mentally tough” enough that you don’t click on “mental toughness” articles anymore.