Given the “men get domestically abused too, but no one cares” trend lately, I’m happy to share this woman: Looks so bedraggled, you’d think she got the beating. Nope! This woman went straight to jail without collecting $200. But if you add another zero to that figure, that’s Alyssa Ferraro’s bail – for slapping her dude across the face during an intense match of Monopoly. And despite not bothering to.. Read More
As I lay face down in dirt and injured on that beautiful day in 2008, I thought: “I… do … not.. *cough*… get paid enough for this.” Meanwhile, the monstrous dog (Arden was his name) that’d just pulled me down danced clumsily around me, celebrating his victory. I was working at a vet back then. And the thing is, falls and scrapes and bruises came with the territory. I knew.. Read More
When it comes to Ferguson, you can’t deny the facts. And one thing which will always remain a fact about Ferguson: …is that it was the name of Clarissa’s little brother. Bad joke. Epic gif. Because that’s exactly what I wanna do to the hashtag for this case by now. I didn’t watch the court case on this thing because I didn’t feel like sharing a genuine “whodabadguy” opinion on.. Read More
Are you consumed with a contagious case of the Mondays? Well if you weren’t such a seriousness slut all the time, maybe you’d not have contracted it. Shhh shhh. It’s okay, though. I’m here to help with an antidote ready in hand. So before you carry on with your day – infecting everyone with your emotional AIDS – let’s pause and take an intravenous comedy shot together: 1. This dog.. Read More
Once upon a Saturday …(around the time Cinderella and I both turn into a pumpkin)… …I was putting my socks on… A six-year-old’s feet: Her: “They almost fit!” Me: “Yes, they do! My feet are pretty small – but not as small as yours.” Her: (Sigh) “I guess that’s part of growing up, am I right?” Let me backtrack for some context here: A friend of mine had been called.. Read More
Sometimes I find myself lapsing into lazy, noncommittal, or masked language. And I hate it. Know what I mean – by “lazy” language? No? I don’t just mean a hashtag you’re not even using sarcastically. I mean replies like “LOL” when I’m not really laughing (which – if we’re having a real life conversation – might be a quiet, “that’s so funny…”). Or it might be: “Oh that’s cool.” I.. Read More
Let’s pause and thank Glob for the delightfully sarcastic #ThanksMichelleObama trend. Honestly, I can’t tell what they’re feeding these poor kids these days. And neither can the kids being fed. In a superficial effort to battle childhood obesity, the first lady’s had the lunch ladies do a food reboot in schools. I say “superficial” because it’s like putting a pretty bow on a car crash. Those with power make appearances.. Read More
“Mom?” “Yes, darling.” “If cars run on gas… why can’t we just fart into the engine?” “Don’t be crude, dear.” It was a legit question, given that I was only five years old. (Give or take about twenty years.) But my point is, I always wondered why ass gas couldn’t pass for fuel – a topic that seemed to always be an issue. Even if you had no concept about.. Read More
My inner Beavis is dancing. Especially after seeing this video on “I Fucking Love Science” today: While I’ve seen reactions sorta like it before, I don’t think they’ve had all quite the fiery spectacle element of this thing that looks like the kraken being released from the ninth circle of hell. My only gripes are that I wish that it lasted longer, I wish the seemingly sentient octupal ash monster.. Read More
Who cares what you wear when you’re a billionaire? Better yet – is the non-caring what makes self-made successful people… successful? The opening scene of Clueless always felt like a cuter version of what we all go through in our heads upon opening the closet doors in the morning. Does it match? Is it right for today? How did my crotchless chaps get from the dungeon up to my daytime.. Read More