Let’s pause and thank Glob for the delightfully sarcastic #ThanksMichelleObama trend.

Honestly, I can’t tell what they’re feeding these poor kids these days.

And neither can the kids being fed.

In a superficial effort to battle childhood obesity, the first lady’s had the lunch ladies do a food reboot in schools. I say “superficial” because it’s like putting a pretty bow on a car crash. Those with power make appearances and sound off on an issue – seeming super passionate and giving excellent hopeful speeches about change for the better. (Sound familiar?)

But not much has changed for the better. (Sound familiar?)

The problem is, is that a lot of what needs to change isn’t just the students’ willingness to exercise or make good choices. It’s not anything Michelle can say or do in a crowd-rousing afternoon speech, either. It’s at the source – the suppliers. The crap manufacturers put into the stuff that ultimately gets sent out over to the high schools needs to reduce the amounts of preservatives (namely, a huge reduction of sugar) and other unnatural, unpronounceable junk. That, or cut off the companies like a necrotic limb if they refuse to modify their products to be healthier – and just go elsewhere. Thing is, they can’t do this, because many of them are in exclusive contracts with fast food companies (i.e. – 80 % of U.S. schools were for example, by year 2006 – and six years later 50% of school districts were serving fast food). So, they’re bound like 50 Shades Of Grey (which could actually pass as the name of slop that gets served) to these companies. And the companies refuse to change because of – what else but – money.

It’s more cost effective to maintain the status quo and just make it look like they’ve changed.

^$3 Bill private company.

Rich because 70% of pizza market’s in schools (through these ugly duckling spawns).

No health value? No problem: Good news, kids! “Pizza is now a vegetable!”

So they do that latter bit by manipulating and shuffling numbers to make it sound like they’ve modified their product. This happened on a larger scale – in the supermarket – with the old trick of “reducing fat”. They did that, but the deal came with a saccharine string. Fat-free tastes ass-level nasty, so they had to dump in the stuff that makes your body make the fat as soon as you consume it: sugar. Let me say that again: when they add sugar, it makes YOU make the fat. Even if it’s fat free.

It’s like a Trojan horse of corpulence. Wait till it’s in ya, and then unleash a kracken of fat. And because experts get paid to make it sound legit, everything sounds good to the “can’t be bothered to look into the facts” naked ear. But really, it’s the equivalent of trying to convince someone you’re doing fab on your latest diet: “I went from feasting on six huge greasy Big Macs every day – to an abstemious HALF of the twelve I was eating before that.”

Six is six is six.

And a triple six is pretty much exactly the address it looks like this food was mailed from:


(I can only ID as many of the five “foods” above as there are fingers in a peace sign.)


(Hey look, I’ve traveled into an episode of “Orange is the new Black”.)


(Tuna my ass. As in – my ass’s contents following a barium swallow.)


(PLEASE tell me you snapped this when you were halfway done eating a full meal – even if it was mystery food…?)

Ultimately, I was expecting for the “end obesity” campaign to be tantamount to all the other ruses. Like when they said they were removing 1.5 trillion calories from the marketplace. Sounds great but actually comes down to a whopping 14 calories per kid per day. I think I eliminate that much in a single sneeze. Oh look! There’s that sneeze now:

I guess I just wasn’t expecting it to be this bad.

But maybe that’s the new plan of attack here.

Instead of mere wordplay, starve students into submission. And instead of introducing a few more natural foods like those green beans and apples (“It’s not like we’re gonna force them to eat their vegetables” –Michelle Obama), we just disgust the little shits until they take their dripping Schwann slices with a smile – complete with singed pepperonis curled up into micro goblets of grease.

And tweet a shot of it with a well deserved sarchashtag.