Ever had a real panic attack? I don’t mean your “can’t find my keys” nervous for a half minute episode. Nay, sir. The bad ones are so bad that I just wanna take this moment to be grateful for every moment I’m not having one. And, obviously, spend some’a those moments researching prevention and cures for these sneaky body snatching bastards. For those who get eye-rolly when they hear about.. Read More
Ever go to the doctor and he’s like, “Nah, man, we can’t give you the antibiotic because we don’t know what it is?” So you’re like, “Dude, why not just do it anyway – in case? Get a head start?” And he starts talking some shiz about “overprescription” like you’re a junkie asking for narcos? Then you leave feeling equal parts confused but too exhausted from sickness to care about.. Read More
So, they’re making a “Minions” movie. And yes, it’s based on the “Despicable Me” legion of lemon colored villain servers who speak in phonemes and vocables and can still be understood by Gru nonetheless. But in this film, there is no Gru. Instead, we’re rewinding the species of affable henchmen thousands of years to join them on their journey of seeking out a villain to serve. It’s not the plot.. Read More
Feel a little off – mentally and bodily? Like some remedial level awkward octopus fumbling around through life? Well, maybe you’re just stupid. No, really. I mean you may be a genuine victim of viral stupidity, says science. Not even the meme on the internet kind, either. But an IRL in your body infectious agent. Because in a study recently done at Johns Hopkins, they stumbled over some very interesting.. Read More
Shh, shh. It’s okay, internet. Don’t feel badly. This is what I’m here for. To remind you about proper cell phone etiquette – from public life to pinching a loaf. So, let’s review the latter today: Things that are acceptable to do with your phone on the toilet: – Check email with your horned rimmed glasses on. – Post a status to facebook about those super-cerebral ideas you get mid.. Read More
Prepare to be excited. ‘cause this is a real-time events-unfolding article right here. I’m about to read what the “top three” catchiest songs are in a piece that promises not to disappoint me. But before I do, I feel like some rumination on the matter is needed. And I think what we have to start with first is acknowledging what makes a song “catchy”. That term – “catchy” – can.. Read More
By sophomore year of high school, everyone was getting exotic piercings and tattoos. The former option excited me – until my friend Kim got an infection in her tongue ring barbell and my other friend’s belly button ring got infected. I had a conundrum. Could I get illegally stapled by some Sons of Anarchy looking dude across town in a musty shop where the smell of last night’s after party.. Read More
Remember when everyone demanded fat mannequins? Well – now they’re doing the same thing with functional mannequins. As in, the ones you put into a car before rocket launching that car into a brick wall. (I think they’re also known as “crash test dummies”. ) The thing about this story is that it’s so distracting in its amusement that I can’t effectively assess my feelings. So lets start by just.. Read More
Ah, a squatter squatting on a squatter. Should be good! I admit, with his comedic antics and Casey Casem lite voice, the initial impact of the spectacle got a few laughs out of me before it just faceplanted in a syrupy pool of its own sarcasm. And, naturally, whoever’s home it is should get it back. But, I feel like something’s missing from this story. Something behind the bathrobe and.. Read More
I never wanted kids. I wasn’t that five year old with the doll baby, wanting to nurture and care for a bald rubber creature. In fact, when I got them, I always wanted to go refund them for the slutty barbies. While I’ve written about this before, I feel like the self-questioning about “do I really never want a family?” arises around the holidays. Because that’s when you see families.. Read More