Miss Ashley Pants

Ashley

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Update on Starbucks’ new faux-co-nut milk

Posted on February 12, 2015

Well, it’s a good thing there’s still a week left till ‘bucks starts adding coconut milk to my addiction list. Why? ‘cause it gave me a chance to read an update on how… it’s not true coconut milk. Here’s the ingredient list: Now, if you can’t read that, the ingredients include water, coconut cream, cane sugar, tricalcium phosphate, coconut water concentrate, natural flavors, sea salt, carrageenan, gellan gum, corn dextrin,.. Read More

Sleeping in squalor: one more reason you’re disgusting

Posted on February 12, 2015

Did you know that every night you lay down, you explode a grenade of grossness into your sheets? And jammies? When I heard an FYI report about “how we all need to wash our pajamas”, I experienced one of those involuntary head cocks that’s become synonymous with the rhetorical cascade of questions I seem to have at least once a day now when I turn on my T.V. or indulge.. Read More

Heroin fructose cocaine syrup

Posted on February 12, 2015

“It all comes from the same plant, maaaan.” That’s the typical I’m-outta-whatchya-want-try-this-instead drug-dealer pitch I thought of when I saw this food documentary last night. I mean, I’ve written about how refined sugar makes your body make fat before. But what I didn’t realize until I saw this was how (addictively speaking) comparable high-fructose corn syrup is to cocaine or heroin. Yes, the claim seemed awfully dramatic at first –.. Read More

4 strange addictions (and how to dismount your own fixation ferris wheel)

Posted on February 9, 2015

The thing I love best about “My Strange Addiction” is how normal it makes me feel. Until I realize that, in a way, these people are kinda… just like me. Sure, I prefer to go after the usual suspects (used to be drinking or benzo’s, but now it’s caffeine, figs, and probably too much internet), but aren’t we all the same? Yes? Right? I mean… some of these interviews with.. Read More

Winged GMO’s – coming to bite you soon! :D

Posted on February 9, 2015

You wanna know the nice thing about GMO food? If I don’t want to put it in my body, I don’t have to. I’ve mentioned before how “GMO” is a loaded term. Almost everything we eat is the product of being “genetically modified” based on the fact that we change the natural conditions to get a delicious progeny product we want. However, when it’s happening in a lab with a.. Read More

Create a stuporhero with me.

Posted on February 9, 2015

I love my more creative Facebook poster friends. They do exist. I mean, you hafta mine ‘em out and sift through posted pathos, en masse infant photos, and the miscellany of nuptial notifications. But, like hidden twinkling diamonds, they are indeed there. And I so appreciate them – especially on days where my think juice is too viscous to circulate through my imagination motor, much less do any writing. Like.. Read More

Lady in waiting room, speculumating.

Posted on February 9, 2015

Mmmkay, ladies. This one’s for you. Ever just sat in the office of the doc that spelunks your lady cave (while they took forever to see you) and look around? Thumb through their reading material? Annoy fellow patients? Ever analyze the décor? And ever notice how effing sneaky their setups are? If you’re like me, and they take approximately pi billion years before they actually see you (even though you.. Read More

KFC’s edible death dog makes me wanna start a Heart Attack fast food chain.

Posted on February 9, 2015

I really admire Heart Attack Grill’s business plan. But that’s only because I recently learned about the owner’s backstory. See, the dude who started it (Jon Basso) is a scorned ex-gym founder who got told off by a fast food restaurant (you might know of them – “In-N-Out”) for naming his fitness locale, ironically, something too similar to their own. Angry and upset that an anti-health joint should win over.. Read More

5 celebs I diagnosed using the Putin-Asperger’s method.

Posted on February 9, 2015

Unless you live under a rock, you may’ve heard about Putin having burgers in his ass. Yep. He’s got autism, according to some sector of the Pentagon that gets paid to diagnose shit via T.V. Kinda like how I deduced I had Ebola just now. Via WebMD. ‘cause I coughed. Last week. (Insert obvi “Een Soviet Russia, Asperger’s has YOU” meme someone’s already done) Asperger’s is this form of autism.. Read More

Siri’s uselessness forces me into self awareness, yet again.

Posted on February 9, 2015

I shouldn’t eat that before my run… “SIRI: WHY ARE THESE DATES SO DELICIOUS?” I shouldn’t be now physically eating this before my run… “SIRI: WHY CAN’T I STOP EATING THESE DATES?” I shouldn’t be eating this before my run OR asking an effing computer to explain my lack of self-control to me. Such was how yesterday ensued for me. I rarely buy dates or figs anymore because they’re the.. Read More