I always wanted to try hypnosis. But I’ve never done it professionally because, well, that’s a lot of effing trust in a person. A person like you or me capable of beauty and evil alike. And you don’t know which one they’ll do to you once given total dominion over your mind and body. But with the advent of Youtube, self-hypnosis with the help of pre-recorded narrations made that problem.. Read More
Some days, yes. On such mornings, I try to ignite my imagination by employing the innocent phrase, “what if…?” Like… “What if… this bottle wasn’t a bottle?” (So what?) “Okay… What if… (*picks up peel with Dole sticker still on it*) this banana was alive? Before I ate it?” (You did that already.) “What… if I’m a bird?” (Did you take notes from Shia LaBeouf’s notebook before you plagiarized “The.. Read More
“The government’s trying to control my mind? With cheese?!” *Eyeroll.* I saw this comment on an anti-cheese post today. About five years ago, I’d have been right there with the best of these people, double fisting pitchforks – one to stab cheese slanderers with, and one to stab the nearest block of Gouda and eat it whole. Even when I finally quit cheese, it wasn’t for any of those anti-establishment.. Read More
Unless you’re in first class, business, or were born with wings – flying sucks. Even if you try to forget the obstacle course that is everything between check in and TSA to reaching your terminal and then wading through human carry-on luggage racks lining a smelly, crowded aisle of too-close seats, you still have to endure the actual flight. It’s cramped. The air’s recycled. The food has poop bugs in.. Read More
It’s great that Michigan’s gonna require welfare recipients to take drug tests The legislation will issue mandatory treatment for those who test positive. And that’s fantastic. But will it be sufficient? You may be thinking “Wait a second. Jail and being cut off is exactly what we want for those money sucking junkies!” And I get where you’re coming from. But that could also be punishment for what may have.. Read More
As often as I see these stories, I still sit there slack-jawed and captivated every damn time. And that goes for my humankind’s acts of kindness on the tracks too. A dude jumping on top of another dude while the train moves above them both. A man in a full on fancy business suit, hopping into the track to carry a fallen hobo out just in time. The reverse of.. Read More
Ah, getting high on the job. It’s generally a pastime reserved for the acne speckled wake n’ bake professionals who man your local Taco Bell drive through. But even the most celebrated and respected T.V. reporters do it sometimes too. In fact, some of them even get paid to do it during work – while the cameras are rolling for an international audience. Like BBC reporter Quentin Sommerville (below). To.. Read More
Which is more annoying? Commercialized religious holidays? Or the greetings that don’t jibe with your religion? For me, it’s the people complaining. About either. Because they’re that attached to the historical myth they were indoctrinated into… that they forget what the rules of the organization even were. For instance, amidst the “being kind” and “doing unto others”, I don’t think “go off on a tirade to the crew and pilot.. Read More
You know that moment when you first wake up in the morning and dunno who or what you are? Imagine how much worse it’d be waking from a coma. Sheeeiiit. I’m trying, but I don’t even know what I am at 5 A.M. when I open my eyes after a punctuated slumber. There’s not telling how much worse it’d be if I was waking up from an extended nap after.. Read More
I never met my maternal great grandmother. But from what I heard, she was awesome. And from what history says, she was probably awesome because she went through a lot of hard times – like The Great Depression, little food, tight funds, and shitty bras…? Yes. You heard me. There’s a lot of stuff our lady ancestors had to deal with while playing Suzy Seamstress and Connie Cook. And while.. Read More