I used to enjoy Halloween for the obvious early-twenties, collegiate tramp reasons: It was really my favorite. A free pass to do what I did anyway: getting sloshed and dressing skeazy. Back then, I couldn’t tell you why I enjoyed the mix of spooky and slutty so much. But I assume it had to do with Elvira – that one T.V. host who was like Morticia Addams channeling Pam Anderson… Read More
“I think we should just elect Kevin Spacey to office.” (Mmyes… I’m listening). “A lot of people would support him and he seems to have a good handle on it.” Sold. This very wise comment was issued to me from a friend and fellow House of Cards watcher after I’d made some (probably really solid) reference about what I assume was murdering people for the greater good. Not one to.. Read More
What an effing disappointment. I got all excited to hear Johnny Depp’s doing a new flick (and that he’s playing the big bad wolf, no less), only to learn two seconds later – that it’s a musical. What a horrible joke to play on me right at that point in the day where I need some good news in order to curb that nagging pang in my abdomen, avidly encouraging.. Read More
To my ladies: ever cut off your own hair as a kid? And then your mom yelled at you all the way to the hairdresser? Who subsequently fashioned the top of your head into the tip of a penis? I was going to hunt down an actual retro-me photo, when I happened upon this near-doppelganger film still of Jim instead. I shitchya not – there’s a photo of me at.. Read More
I once shared how the “Bad Touch Bears” ruined my childhood. (It was like this, except pre-recorded and more horrifying. And my face was exactly like Tweak’s.) It was bad enough in its irony. The moment these furry Winnie The Pooh-esque creatures graced the screen of my first grade classroom T.V. set, I was reminded of my favorite honey-philiac and his gangly human pal. Even the static speckled screen created.. Read More
It’s always nice to hear people say you don’t look your age. (Assuming they don’t mean you actually look a decade older thanks to sins of your past). But I always assumed before people were just being nice – until more recently. What’s the change? Is it the lifestyle mods? Or could it be the less makeup/more cardio combo I’m rocking? This past year, I tried (for the first time.. Read More
“I’ll just have leftovers…” Ah, this shame filled phrase has followed many a regrettable night in my early twenties – after which I’d rise in the late afternoon, just barely reentering my body in time to watch the sun set and feel existential questions rise from deep down in my turning tummy. There’s a kind of guilt that goes with opening a mostly empty fridge. Hearing the low buzz. Seeing.. Read More
So, I skipped a day of jogging today. It’ll be fine, they said (The audience, that is, that posts in my head like a relentless online forum). A break will be good, they said. Mmmyeah… I haven’t felt this awful since that time I quit painkillers and valium simultaneously and my skin started doing what ocean water does right before it turns into a tsunami intent on ingesting Japanese folk.. Read More
What’s sooty, soapy, and filled with the sounds of Jackhammers? Why, a two hour rescue mission by firefighters to free a crazy intruder bish from the chimney of her internet boo’s abode, of course. Ya know, it’s funny, I’ve had that “Tyler” song by the Toadies stuck in my head for two days now (fun 90’s band with more than one catchy tune about creepy murder stalkers #nostalgia). And then,.. Read More
Anorexic. Addict. Bulimic. Bipolar. Crazy. Depressed. You can go through the whole alphabet and probably find some manifestation of that inner turmoil we all feel at some point in our lives. We get a bit of sadness, feel a bit of imbalance, and either have the self-awareness to fix it on the spot, or let it evolve into some dauntingly vast chakra chasm where all your life goals, relationships, and.. Read More