Miss Ashley Pants

Ashley

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“Dear White People” (Am I allowed to have an opinion?)

Posted on October 16, 2014

“Dear White People” looks like one of those films that’ll make me confused and uncomfortable. Not because of hard truths (though they’ll likely touch on a few if it’s a racially driven quasi-comedy). But uncomfortable because, as a white person, a lot of the time you feel like you’re not allowed to have an opinion other than a smile and nod, lest you land yourself an O.W.I. (opining while white)… Read More

Mein body est READY! (Hitliterary porn masquerading as history)

Posted on October 16, 2014

“I imagine Eva would stand a good distance away and lift her skirt… And then there would be some sort of soggy climax on Hitler’s part. And that would be that.” These words (which sound a lot like a cross between 7 Year Itch and the immaculate orgasm scene from 40 Days and 40 Nights) actually come from author-historian Martin Amis who’s been writing pieces on Hitler for a couple.. Read More

Paint that pain gold.

Posted on October 13, 2014

Ever heard of that “manifesting” thing? The whole “law of attraction” concept? Wherever you focus your attention and intention, becomes real? Like, if your focus is on fear of spiders (hi.), you’ll think there’re more of them in the world than there are oxygen molecules. If you’re obsessed with Starbucks (hi, again.) it will seem like there’s one on every street corner. (Realizing this last example may be ineffective. Because.. Read More

Do you love-love your dog? Or are you just sentimental?

Posted on October 13, 2014

“Oh, I have a son too!” My sister said this to the couple in the café, pulling out a picture of her pitbull and showing it to them on her phone. I like to imagine their expressions of anticipatory delight slowly fading from their faces as they saw that it wasn’t a human child but a furry family member. Maybe they thought, “Ah, we’re dealing with a mentally ill person;.. Read More

Teachers making beautiful minds.

Posted on October 13, 2014

I was an “A” student in high school. I also really sucked at understanding almost every subject. Nearly nothing came naturally. When lectured in a seat, I learned nothing. So I came home, read the book, taught myself, aced exams, and forgot everything right after. (Except English, which I liked. Y un poco de Espanol.) As I finally left my graduation and looked back at the doors of my former.. Read More

I want to play a game… (sci-pothetical convos)

Posted on October 13, 2014

“I need an opinion regarding a hypothetical I’m having trouble working out in my brain.” (This is how most of my text message games – and arguably most of my texts in general – go. I toss out a fishing line to a few of my smart friends, see who finds it interesting enough to bite, and then we proceed to ping pong ideas for the pure sake of my.. Read More

6,000 poison spiders in a home? Aaand… I’m moving to Mars.

Posted on October 12, 2014

Difficult as it may be, sometimes I just have to read a disturbing story like this. If for no other reason than to remember that something like my dog bringing in a few fleas and me having to call the bug exorcist – ain’t so big a deal. Not compared to a family who realized that within the walls of their home resided an entire arachnid army that began teaming.. Read More

Vice hypocrite: totes buying my wino friends this ancient creation

Posted on October 12, 2014

How selfish of me. Here I’ve been writing about what you all should be buying me, when I haven’t even begun buying anything for the people I love. So I’ve been sitting here all morning – wondering what in the world I could possibly get for the treasured few beings in my life who don’t star as the centerpiece in my daydreams about cars falling off of cliffs after catching.. Read More

MissAshHolePants X-mas gift list (continued).

Posted on October 12, 2014

I understand and appreciate your plight fully. It’s already been the better part of a week since I shared what you can begin buying me for Christmas. And now you’re all thinking, “But, Ashley, an ipad, ipad holder, leashless dog leash, dog who can walk himself, and self-aware vacuum cleaner robot isn’t nearly enough for you. We’ve already bought you these things the same day you issued your memo. What.. Read More

DND: Disturb ‘N Die (when I’m riding the writing dragon).

Posted on October 12, 2014

The act of creating anything is almost like being on drugs. Technically, that analogy’s actually not far off. Whether it’s writing or painting murals on Strathmore with your penis that’s covered in impeccably blended acrylic shades – creating doesn’t happen by some light switch we cognitively clap on and off. I think anyone in that sort of field “knows” it – yet fights that fact the moment that the biology.. Read More