6,000 poison spiders in a home? Aaand… I’m moving to Mars.

Difficult as it may be, sometimes I just have to read a disturbing story like this. If for no other reason than to remember that something like my dog bringing in a few fleas and me having to call the bug exorcist – ain’t so big a deal. Not compared to a family who realized that within the walls of their home resided an entire arachnid army that began teaming.. Read More

Vice hypocrite: totes buying my wino friends this ancient creation

How selfish of me. Here I’ve been writing about what you all should be buying me, when I haven’t even begun buying anything for the people I love. So I’ve been sitting here all morning – wondering what in the world I could possibly get for the treasured few beings in my life who don’t star as the centerpiece in my daydreams about cars falling off of cliffs after catching.. Read More

MissAshHolePants X-mas gift list (continued).

I understand and appreciate your plight fully. It’s already been the better part of a week since I shared what you can begin buying me for Christmas. And now you’re all thinking, “But, Ashley, an ipad, ipad holder, leashless dog leash, dog who can walk himself, and self-aware vacuum cleaner robot isn’t nearly enough for you. We’ve already bought you these things the same day you issued your memo. What.. Read More

DND: Disturb ‘N Die (when I’m riding the writing dragon).

The act of creating anything is almost like being on drugs. Technically, that analogy’s actually not far off. Whether it’s writing or painting murals on Strathmore with your penis that’s covered in impeccably blended acrylic shades – creating doesn’t happen by some light switch we cognitively clap on and off. I think anyone in that sort of field “knows” it – yet fights that fact the moment that the biology.. Read More

Nutty mother brings snatch shaped cookies to second graders

Oh, now this is just good fun. So, a mom walks into a second grade classroom-… (This sounds like it’s gonna be a bad joke, and I wish it were only that.) And she hands the teacher a plate of cookies, saying she thought she could “educate them on the vagina”. To teacher’s shock and awe, she looks down to see a variety of vaj genres – there’s everything from.. Read More

Confessions and mythconceptions

I need to confess. I did that thing the other day where somebody told me they “never knew” this one crazy fact about a fruit most of us love. And (by omission) I lied. By pretending I never didn’t know it: Why did this person (who will remain unnamed mostly because I encountered them randomly on the interwebz and legit don’t know who they are) and I ever have it.. Read More

Placebo meat: can you tell it’s a veggie burger if it “bleeds”?

As a non-creature eater, I often anthropomorphize my plant food. Ya know, for the sake of murdering or defiling it in my mind. You may’ve seen some examples of this here at the Ashley Pants party house. There were the bananas held hostage in my hostel while listening to each other slowly die. The Durian queen – wooed, defiled, and discarded. Even my dog has cooperated in a snuff film.. Read More