“Read to me!” I commanded my mother as we sat by the river, tanning. She frowned and replied, “Can’t you read yourself?” “No,” I sadly said, handing her an issue of Psychology Today. “I can only write – they didn’t learn me how to book.” Unamused and with a heavy sigh, my poor mother reluctantly took the magazine. Thusly, she began to relate an interesting virtual reality piece to my.. Read More
As shared on Facebook the other day: “Fascinating new low: putting coffee in the the cupboard, shutting the door, and looking for the reheat button.” Yes, that’s right, kids. And no, I’ve got no chemical scapegoat these days on which to blame my haplessness. Just a bad night’s sleep followed by a morning spent looking on the floor for my soul so that I could try to put it back.. Read More
I loved Cameron Diaz in “Bad Teacher”. But my favorite part wasn’t Justin’s dry-hump jean-jizz scene. Nor was it the sexy car wash (though it comes in a close second and I’ll be damned if her body doesn’t remind me I need to go workout ASAP everytime I see it). Nay, it was none of these – but the part that speaks to my heart is when she exacts revenge.. Read More
I’ve been accused of “telepathy” more than once in my day. My buddy over at Richardland can attest to my involuntary knack for synchronicity. But it’s a clumsy talent at best, since I’m not yet able to actually control it. It’s more of an “I make a comment or ask you a question whereupon you call me a whore and tell me to get out of your head organ before.. Read More
“It’s not rape if Sean Connery does it.” You know, this a joke I’ve made before because it’s obvious in its sarcasm and references the classic “Marnie”. Aside from the fact that nobody in their right mind would actually need bondage to get down with Bond (I don’t even know any men who’d say no), the sardonic nature speaks to the cultural and entertainment-level condoning of violence in general –.. Read More
The first time I came home from college, the house I grew up in seemed so different. I couldn’t figure out how… But it’s the same thing that happens after a long holiday away or having just spent the summer at camp. It all seems so foreign. From the outer façade, to the windows, to the walls, till the sweat drips down my balls because where the fork and knife.. Read More
Ever feel your heart drop into your anal cavity as you set foot in the dentist’s office? Or the eye doctor? Or a church? This “associative learning” can span feelings as mild as the above annoyance all the way to the after-war torture of PTSD. While some don’t mind (or have the wherewithal to attempt) doing the inner work to re-associate our miserable memories into better new ones, it can.. Read More
Anyone watch A Million Ways To Die In The West? For some reason, I was reminded about how they rip on old timey photos and the people who never smile when I came across a Distractify piece with 1930’s snaps. I’d say they never smiled because people of the olden days always had a looming fear of death. And that’s not wrong. But let’s face it. Are you smiling right.. Read More
Author’s note: It took me a while to share this horror show ’cause I didn’t wanna believe it had actually happened. #neverforget Stretching after a nice nature-y run last week, I stopped and felt something. On my leg. Something crawling…. No, wait. Keep your popcorn up. It gets worse. I look down and see this pinpoint sized barely-visible reddish-brown dot skating across my sweaty dermis like Nancy effing Kerrigan. But.. Read More
I clicked on the wrong story today. I really hate it when that happens. Because while the headline read “gamer sends SWAT team to opponent’s house”, the actual tale was this: Ya know, apart from “Wow. How horrifying”, there’s not much to be said when someone kills a two-year old, is there? I suppose we can start looking from a solution angle and question whether it’s best to pass the.. Read More