Miss Ashley Pants

Ashley

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Huffaceplant Post: Is success waking up in your own blood?

Posted on May 12, 2014

What’s success? Money? Social relevance? Waking up in a viscous pool of your own blood? I just watched (five minutes of because I can’t sit through a whole T.V. show in one sitting) an Arianna Huffington thing that talked about her earlier years, her time on the debate team, the political stuff, Huffington post… Just… Pretty much everything except the amazing mug-work she’s had done. (Actually she hasn’t and is.. Read More

The chemicals between us (sex smells)

Posted on May 10, 2014

Remember when we learned about pheromones in science class? I always thought they were some sort of super power – ’cause we can’t consciously sense them. They just penetrate us like X-rays and effect our attraction level. And when you think about it, they kind of are. The receiving end is at least – because only 30 percent of humans have that nose-base receiver (the vomeronasal organ, they call it).. Read More

Villainous valets pilfering for pay

Posted on May 9, 2014

Ever wonder what the valet does once in your Ferrari? Me either. Because I’ve never been in a Ferrari and my last valet encounter was at the ER. But for the woefully wealthy, it’s a nuisance they must face every day if they’d like to lunch with Lindsay and maintain an appearance of relevance in their glittering social strata. “I was certain I had a couple more of these “.. Read More

Strike An Adi-Pose

Posted on May 9, 2014

You know what sucks more ass than fat? Dying while you get fat sucked out of your ass. Which is what happened to this former supermodel a couple years ago: (Not bad for middle aged chick right?). Now the found-guilty doctor is facing time – but not as much as he should for a med-profesh who knew she’d had her effing heart replaced a decade prior. Even for normal people,.. Read More

Blatant Lines

Posted on May 9, 2014

When that one Robin Thicke song came out, I didn’t get it. Not “it” as in the song meaning – but “it” as in the brouhaha behind just another one of many misogynistic ditties. Rapey or not, the concept’s not unique to music. Some say the song (which is kind of open to interpretation) perpetuates rape culture. Pharrell (who worked on it and helped hit-itize the tune) told Oprah it.. Read More

Funbags and fitness with Victoria’s Secret

Posted on May 9, 2014

Much like yoga and porn preferences, workouts are a personal thing. Which is why the whole makeup at the gym thing is sort’ve “so what”? In the words of Marie Antoinette – “Let them have cake (face)!” Out of basic insecurity, it’s really easy for us to look at other people and judge. I do it – that projection thing. Whether it’s deflecting blame or mitigating shame by saying something.. Read More

Irrational Ashley: Arachnophobia

Posted on May 9, 2014

It’s time we stopped to really do some pontification on a matter of importance: Why are spiders so terrifying? It’s one thing when they’re en masse. That’s gross for anyone. Even butterfly swarms can be sort of unnerving (they’re still bugs). But even just a lone eight legger scouting the sidewalk is enough to stand my invisible fur on end like a Doberman spotting a robber. It’s also enough for.. Read More

Shape apron shaming: It’s flesh, not fat.

Posted on May 9, 2014

Let’s say you’re temporarily fat. You got wide this winter, summer’s coming, and the world’s ending. Right? When we witness excess in any form, it’s usually a symptom of underlying turmoil in the human under its influence. People who are perpetually too thin, too fat, too high, too drunk, whatever – generally aim to fill a pain void #ExceptionsExistDuh But you take someone like this who lost 170 pounds and.. Read More

GaGa gadget bikini! (and other solar powered goodies)

Posted on May 7, 2014

In case melanoma by la mar (el mar?) isn’t enough for we who worship the sun ray deities, a solar powered bikini is now on the beach scene (eh – in its beta stages) to power your cancer-causing smartphone (Dr. Oz did a thing on a thing, so that means it’s infallibly true). Because, like, why take a technology break and enjoy the glittering, rippling waves in your view? Or.. Read More

Let’s all fap to Leo’s latest lair

Posted on May 7, 2014

Holy haters-gonna-hate Wednesday, Batman. Logically, I know how the other handful half lives, but the passing report of Leonardo DiCaprio’s – the actor and human being’s – new spot in Greenwich Village had me completely green – and I’m still not sure if it was with envy or nausea. I just know it wasn’t from a rain of Benjies. As I turned on “the news” during my coffee making this.. Read More