Miss Ashley Pants

Ashley

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Look what SCIENCE found! Another earth!

Posted on April 18, 2014

Goldilocks was a lucky ass bitch. All she had to do was forage for porridge and then determine which mattress to steal for her nap. Like most self-entitled American princesses, she didn’t have to worry about stuff like “Find oxygen, water, and habitable temperatures”. In that way, we’re all pretty lucky. For now. We get to breathe air. That’s a pretty big goddamned deal. But many moons from now (waves.. Read More

Adams Family Veges

Posted on April 18, 2014

So I woke up today and (of course) checked my phone first to see if anyone loves me (because I base my self worth on things like social media approval-stamping and personalized email messages). And this’s what I saw: Not looking at the locale (does siri just spin the globe and add a random place to the temp list?), both parts of my brain starting analyzing the information it was.. Read More

“The wandering mind’s not always lost”

Posted on April 18, 2014

Tried to watch “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty” for the second time last week. Ben, it’s not you, it’s me. I’m sure it’s a great film, but it’s next-level inception depressing just how “it’s me” the issue is. The whole movie’s concept is the “me issue” – I gave this film a second go, and ya wanna know what happened? I started… daydreaming. And missed like… all of it… Read More

The queen stays in the picture!

Posted on April 16, 2014

Despite my dislike of celebrity deification, I grew up like lots of li’l girls – counting on landing looks like Gwen Stefani, or the ever-classic icon she emulated, Marilyn Monroe. And then being obviously disappointed like 80% of the population who might’ve been happier had they just seen her more relateable off-camera snappies like this one: (Maybe it’s ’cause she’s having a barbiturate barbeque by the pool, but homegirl looks.. Read More

Dear Starbucks: Bring back seasonal drinks till it’s warm, thx

Posted on April 16, 2014

Winter in Virginia is like the annoying ex who you think finally got the picture and is leaving you alone. And for like a week or two, it’s nothing but sunshine and windows down and you feel free as a fkkng bird. Then, wham, that bastard Jack Frost comes back like Cusack under your window – boom box, luminaries, and all. (Although the only thing they share in common is.. Read More

Let’s all take a moment and be grateful these gremlins are extinct

Posted on April 16, 2014

Aww. Traffic sucks? Coffee line too long? Pay freeze this year? That sucks for you – but not nearly as much as being swallowed whole by a giant serpent that looks like it crawled outta a flick collaboratively created by King and Spielberg . Times like this – when life feels shitty – it’s good to be grateful. And what better way than to pause and reflect on what we.. Read More

This is your captain speaking. Burn your passports.

Posted on April 15, 2014

For some reason, I got my passport updated six years ago. #delusionsofplandeur And as the weather improves, I realize I’ve yet to partake in the cliché Eat, Pray, Malaria experience I so long to enjoy. Part of it’s lack of funds. Part of it’s plain old fear of the unknown. Part of it’s that I have a finite amount of patience when it comes to airports (and I feel like.. Read More

Neural Holiday with Captain Ash

Posted on April 15, 2014

“This is your captain speaking. Our day of armchair traveling initiates in the Maldives…” So, this place called Cocoa Island is a buncha floating water suites with private diving reefs. It looks like a dream. Yet, I’m just curious to know if I’d be as excited if they’d shown a fat old man in the photo, stumbling gracelessly through those waters with the gait of a corpulent corpse – instead.. Read More

The passion of the crazed

Posted on April 14, 2014

Remember the Van Gogh ear story from elementary school art class? Wait. Let’s just take a moment to acknowledge that we were told stories at age single-digit about the hewn pinnae of deranged painters. To be fair, I think they might have left out the bit about it being for the sake of a hooker. As a kind gesture the prozzy told ugly-as-sin Vincent (that’s a paraphrase of a direct.. Read More

Junkie reform – spirituality demystified

Posted on April 13, 2014

“There is a lack of scientific evidence documenting how and why 12-step programs work.” I’m Not Saying It’s Magic, But… MAGIC This was at the end of an article I read recently. And don’t get me wrong – the author added that “75 years of history provides more” and it doesn’t “need” scientific inquiry. But I’m kinda sick of mysticism where it’s not needed. To be fair, Dr. David Sack.. Read More