Miss Ashley Pants

Ashley

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Moran v. Rogen “American Sniper” row has zero to do with patriotism.

Posted on January 23, 2015

I’m glad I haven’t seen “American Sniper” yet. For one, it’s too soon after reading the book. I need a proper mourning period. No… I mean, yes, obviously I’m better than everyone else. Foregone conclusion. But it’s not because I like internally directing the narrative myself. (Or maybe it is – you should hear some of my mind’s soundtracks and emotional deliveries. Truly.) And my relief on holding out thus.. Read More

If I wrote an ode to my hometown, country style….

Posted on January 22, 2015

Despite ruining country music for myself, I keep trying to branch out and enjoy new songs within the genre. Ones my brain’s not yet marred by turning unassuming love songs into cannibalism campfire stories. But, unfortunately, creativity is a rapidly evolving autoimmune disorder. No sooner do I find something new and sweet and enjoyable like that song “Dirt” by that one group, and suddenly all I’m thinking about as I.. Read More

This 280 sq ft house is like a runaway luxury apartment

Posted on January 22, 2015

Dear God, I’d like to erase my whole life, start over, and spend it in this thing: Love, Ashley. Dear Ashley, I see you’re dreaming big. I told you to get out more. You see what happens when you spend too much time alone? We can’t save you now. No one can. Love, God Mayhaps the great cosmic force speaking to me through caffeine induced schizophrenic auditory hallucinations is right… Read More

I love that this guys loves vacuums as much as I do…

Posted on January 22, 2015

Requesting a vacuum cleaner this Christmas made me feel old, alone, and a bit insane. What made me feel worse? The dewey eyed excitement response I wasn’t expecting to have when I got it. And when I took it home. And when I turned into a floor-specific Cinderella…. But apparently, it’s not just old, solitary, possibly crazy folk who are into this stuff. Because this 14 year old kid called.. Read More

Is the “Gone Girl” “Cool Girl” a real thing?

Posted on January 22, 2015

What is this “cool girl” Gone Girl‘s car monologue (below) had me instantly pondering about it. And I was joined by a tonna other femmes for whom it instantly became blog fodder. In the film, we’re seeing her stripped of her gorgeous 50’s-Turner-Classic-vixen meets “hanging with the boys” style. Now she’s devolved. Reduced. Frumpy. Angry. She’s no longer that sexy woman with a secret – but openly scrolling vitriol onto.. Read More

Keep cruisin’ (or whatever transport metaphor for life you like.)

Posted on January 22, 2015

What’s your dream life you’re not living right now? Is it like mine? Living in luxury with a view of the ocean? That life is typically merely met only in either our daydreams or on nightly delta waves. But not for one woman. She’s living that life – not on delta pillow waves or Delta plane waves but on boat ridden waves of the actual ocean – compliments of Crystal.. Read More

Sexy British twins try diets to prove if fat or sugar’s worse.

Posted on January 22, 2015

Okay. Verdict’s in on “Which is worse for you: fat or sugar?” And the English Winklevoss twin doctors are here to ‘xplain: Ya know, at first, I hadn’t noticed this was a UK paper. So superficial me thought, “What hotties!” Then, crueler and ever worse superficial me (I’m beginning to think those two are the only sides I have) said “Oh, he said ‘stone’ instead of pounds; that means they’re.. Read More

Dad and daughter marry. Inc’est la vie.

Posted on January 19, 2015

Sir (yes, I call him sir now) Neil DeGrasse Tyson suggested we all learn something new every day. Following his guidance, I’ve already learned the one thing that’ll probably stand out the most at today’s end, as well as haunt my eyelid movies into a horror show later when I try to fall asleep. And it’s not even noon yet. Neil also told me to share what I learn with.. Read More

Things I only watch to enjoy the parody better (Bieber edition)

Posted on January 19, 2015

If you’re like me – not a Bieber fan or a wiener owner – you may not have seen the recent Calvin Klein ads. No, we don’t live under a rock. We just didn’t have a reason to see it. Now… we do. Because SNL has kindly taken the time to delight us all with this black and white parody rendition of what we’ve been missing. It’s funny how you.. Read More

5 things everyone (not just chicks) can learn.

Posted on January 19, 2015

I found this fun “ways women are disconnected from themselves” article today. This “line em up and knock ‘em down” list of what we’re doing wrong and how to sort it out bothered me for two reasons. First was because these gender-wallow articles always make me feel like I’m part of some melancholic coven. Like if Daria, Janine Garafalo, and the daughter from Roseanne had all started a sorority under.. Read More