Miss Ashley Pants

Ashley

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T.V. psychos are normal people. Who slay pet rabbits. And eat them.

Posted on December 12, 2014

I still haven’t finished the Sons of Anarchy finale, but you know what I did see? An interview. With Charlie Hunnam. Using his real accent. The one I didn’t know he had. As I started hearing him relay an anecdote about his house getting burgled in this Christopher Walken meets British royal voice, I had one of those moments of what the Toltec’s called “mitote” and modern people call cognitive.. Read More

Pedobear’s paid $3 Mill after winning lottery.

Posted on December 12, 2014

In today’s Where’s-Your-God-Now news: a sex-offender just won a $3 million lottery. Not just any sex offender, mind you – a pedophile. A total “come on into the back of my van where there’s puppies and candy and all the characters from Frozen doing a play act ‘round the clock like vaudeville for children” style Chester. One who diddled two kiddies under the age of twelve, too. That’s who just.. Read More

Would you snitch on a preggo cheater?

Posted on December 12, 2014

In grade school, if your eyes wandered to your neighbor’s desk, you were caught cheating. But what if your wandering eyes caught a cheater? A cheating slut, that is? Like this dude’s did? (Fan at a game saw fellow fan’s preggo wife cheat-texting… and told him. In a note.) This is a tough call. Is cheating wrong? Yes. But when it comes to relationships, should we follow the TSA guidelines.. Read More

Oprah’s obliviousness makes me feel mildly better about myself

Posted on December 12, 2014

Today, Oprah made me feel slightly less crazy and out of touch with humanity. And wasn’t with her spiritual advice. Whenever this chick’s interviewing someone whose loved one’s just died, she does what she does best: interrupts them. And to exacerbate these already painful grief discussions, she starts drawing comparisons to…. her dogs. Seriously. This is a problem. Because I turned on one of those OWN programs (I do this.. Read More

Beano gas? Or Beano bacteria you need?

Posted on December 12, 2014

Ever get accused of walking around like your farts don’t stink? Maybe that’s ‘cause they don’t. Because you’re gasless. Because you eat things like Beano before you go on dates with that hot quasi-goth-quasi-hipster barista who finally acquiesced to your advances. I wish I had a funny shame story here about having no control over my own noxious air emissions, but unfortunately, I just have ones about the junk-eaters in.. Read More

Go Pro-lice State

Posted on December 12, 2014

“FILM da police!” This excellent song came about as a twist on the “EFF da PO-lice!” phrase wrought out of the general mistrust of all boys in blue because of a few rotten apples. You may have read my stuff before and understand that my outlook is not that all of them are bad. I look at the law the way the law looks at me – innocent until proven.. Read More

Feliz Nazi-dad!

Posted on December 12, 2014

I used to love getting puzzle books every Christmas as stocking stuffers. But this year, a fun family round of “Where’s Waldo” is a game we all can play without even opening the gifts themselves thanks to Hallmark’s unwittingly racist oversight. (Hint: Metaphorical Waldo has a rectangular mustache and a bad sidecomb.) And since they put it on a line of designed blue and silver gift wrap, it’ll be extra.. Read More

Buddhist bacteria get raincarnated from clouds.

Posted on December 8, 2014

Old news? Bacteria are everywhere. Not so old news? They’re plotting against you ‘n me from up above. Mmmyep. Science says bacteria aren’t just down here on our counter surfaces and transported via supersecret handshakes and supercharged by poor antibiotic direction taking. They’re up there too (*points surreptitiously skyward*) Watching over us like alien gods. Studying us like ants under a magnifying glass. While what they’re actually thinking up there.. Read More

Einstein’s kind words cured Curie’s insecurites in 1911

Posted on December 8, 2014

If you were a chick making mindblow-level science discoveries in 1911, you’d be rare. You’d be among the elite. You’d get a nobel prize. You’d be… rejected? From a seat in the French Academy of Sciences? That’s what Marie Curie endured, at least, after her groundbreaking radioactivity research landed her the aforementioned coveted award and great notoriety. To be fair, however, it wasn’t just because of ovaries. It was also.. Read More

Too mothertruffling much.

Posted on December 8, 2014

The first time I saw truffles for sale, I thought, “MMkay. Where are they?” I mean, I have heard they live underneath stuff. So, were they hiding underneath that dirty kitty litter? Wait… what? You mean those tiny turds were what I was going to spend the next month and a half’s worth of groceries on if I wanted any? Eff me. These fungi had better have psilocybin in them.. Read More