Are you depressed? Suicidal? Thinking of calling it permanent quitsies? Well, science may have an answer if your case of the Mondays is an 8 day a week affair: The dentist. No, not the drilling and scraping and clinical torture treatments during which you compose yourself about as well as your dog does when he’s receiving the same procedure. I mean the stuff they put you out with so that.. Read More
T.V. psychos are normal people. Who slay pet rabbits. And eat them.
I still haven’t finished the Sons of Anarchy finale, but you know what I did see? An interview. With Charlie Hunnam. Using his real accent. The one I didn’t know he had. As I started hearing him relay an anecdote about his house getting burgled in this Christopher Walken meets British royal voice, I had one of those moments of what the Toltec’s called “mitote” and modern people call cognitive.. Read More
Pedobear’s paid $3 Mill after winning lottery.
In today’s Where’s-Your-God-Now news: a sex-offender just won a $3 million lottery. Not just any sex offender, mind you – a pedophile. A total “come on into the back of my van where there’s puppies and candy and all the characters from Frozen doing a play act ‘round the clock like vaudeville for children” style Chester. One who diddled two kiddies under the age of twelve, too. That’s who just.. Read More
Would you snitch on a preggo cheater?
In grade school, if your eyes wandered to your neighbor’s desk, you were caught cheating. But what if your wandering eyes caught a cheater? A cheating slut, that is? Like this dude’s did? (Fan at a game saw fellow fan’s preggo wife cheat-texting… and told him. In a note.) This is a tough call. Is cheating wrong? Yes. But when it comes to relationships, should we follow the TSA guidelines.. Read More
Oprah’s obliviousness makes me feel mildly better about myself
Today, Oprah made me feel slightly less crazy and out of touch with humanity. And wasn’t with her spiritual advice. Whenever this chick’s interviewing someone whose loved one’s just died, she does what she does best: interrupts them. And to exacerbate these already painful grief discussions, she starts drawing comparisons to…. her dogs. Seriously. This is a problem. Because I turned on one of those OWN programs (I do this.. Read More
Beano gas? Or Beano bacteria you need?
Ever get accused of walking around like your farts don’t stink? Maybe that’s ‘cause they don’t. Because you’re gasless. Because you eat things like Beano before you go on dates with that hot quasi-goth-quasi-hipster barista who finally acquiesced to your advances. I wish I had a funny shame story here about having no control over my own noxious air emissions, but unfortunately, I just have ones about the junk-eaters in.. Read More
Go Pro-lice State
“FILM da police!” This excellent song came about as a twist on the “EFF da PO-lice!” phrase wrought out of the general mistrust of all boys in blue because of a few rotten apples. You may have read my stuff before and understand that my outlook is not that all of them are bad. I look at the law the way the law looks at me – innocent until proven.. Read More
Feliz Nazi-dad!
I used to love getting puzzle books every Christmas as stocking stuffers. But this year, a fun family round of “Where’s Waldo” is a game we all can play without even opening the gifts themselves thanks to Hallmark’s unwittingly racist oversight. (Hint: Metaphorical Waldo has a rectangular mustache and a bad sidecomb.) And since they put it on a line of designed blue and silver gift wrap, it’ll be extra.. Read More