Oh, now this is just good fun. So, a mom walks into a second grade classroom-… (This sounds like it’s gonna be a bad joke, and I wish it were only that.) And she hands the teacher a plate of cookies, saying she thought she could “educate them on the vagina”. To teacher’s shock and awe, she looks down to see a variety of vaj genres – there’s everything from.. Read More
I need to confess. I did that thing the other day where somebody told me they “never knew” this one crazy fact about a fruit most of us love. And (by omission) I lied. By pretending I never didn’t know it: Why did this person (who will remain unnamed mostly because I encountered them randomly on the interwebz and legit don’t know who they are) and I ever have it.. Read More
As a non-creature eater, I often anthropomorphize my plant food. Ya know, for the sake of murdering or defiling it in my mind. You may’ve seen some examples of this here at the Ashley Pants party house. There were the bananas held hostage in my hostel while listening to each other slowly die. The Durian queen – wooed, defiled, and discarded. Even my dog has cooperated in a snuff film.. Read More
I did my first half of college at a Jesuit University. Not because I follow or followed a Christian religion, mind you, but because it was located in New Orleans – far away from home and where they serve minors. However, my second year found me living in a suite with a buncha zealots. And aside from parading crucifixes around our common area walls, they also made use of those.. Read More
Per a Facebook post this week (which marked a chemical free milestone for me): Today’s my one year anniversary of taking no meds to deal with back pain, no alcohol to deal with life pain, and no benzos to deal with pain in the ass people. I’ve also resumed jogging, started yoga, and even limited how frequently I play frisbee with the dishes against my kitchen wall for stress relief… Read More
You know what campaign I hate right now? “It gets better.” Okay, hate might be a bit strong. I don’t personally identify with it enough for me to hate it on a serious level. I just, shall we say, dislike it for how misleading it is. Don’t get me wrong – I love the idea of inspiring kids and offering them a light to get through the darkness so that.. Read More
Aside from the obvious things like an unlimited supply of itunes music, Starbucks goodies, and my hovercraft (stocking stuffers, really) I figured I’d share with you what I truly require for Christmas this year. We’ll start small. And early. That way you all have time to get them. And all of them. Clearly, this is a list that’s ongoing – so I may have to make it a weekly or.. Read More
Hold on. Just wiping the laughter induced tears away for a moment. Alright. Now that I’ve collected myself, I’m just left a bit confused. Because my first laugh of the morning award – a video commercial about “staying in school” that was posted by a friend – brings to my mind almost as many questions as it did smiles to my face the first five times I watched it. The.. Read More
“I’ve been dealing dope since I was four.” That’s what Ashley Tull’s daughter will be undoubtedly be saying to build up her own street cred in about ten years or so. That’s if she ends up anything like her momma. Who let her go to daycare with hundreds of bags of heroin. And pass ‘em out to her pals in between naptime and macaroni collages. To be fair, Tull actually.. Read More
Great. One more thing that I have to add to my celestial bucket list along with all the other shiz I’m probably never gonna get to witness but totally will drone on about seeing right up until the day I die. But this one I may hafta wait until I actually die to observe in all its beauty. Because you have to be situated somewhere in the heavens (Yes. Presumptuous.. Read More