Miss Ashley Pants

Ashley

This author hasn't added his/her bio.

Fancy some morning wood? Or midnight wood?

Posted on September 27, 2014

Ever woken up to the birds chirping? Sunlight streaming through the window slates? A fleshy morel tipped cattle prod sleepily molesting the small of your back? Among the things I miss least about past relationships are the half-awake propositions for sex when I’ve still got crusted eye snot gluing my lower and upper lashes together on one eye, while the other awkwardly darts around trying to remember those upon-waking details.. Read More

Do remiss food service workers deserve to die?

Posted on September 27, 2014

Ever get fed up with food servers fccking up your order? I do. When my local baristas get it wrong (and six times out of seven days a week, they do), the worst I ever do is pitch the scalding drink at her face like a baseball for her oversight. I’d never, however, dream of shooting up the window of the drive-through like this one Californian couple did after their.. Read More

Is your Asian cooking sh*tty? Why not add opium like this guy?

Posted on September 27, 2014

On the heels of the Meth-ican Taco truck, we now swing our cultural interrogation lamp… …toward China. Down for a side of “nod” with your noms, kids? Why not try Zhang’s opium-MSG special? Just kidding. You can’t. Firstly because the culinary chemical secret santa had his place o’ bizz in Shaanxi Province, China (you’re probably not hanging out over there, are you? Most of you?) And secondly because, well, Mr… Read More

Fly the fappy skies! Guy tries to ejac. and eject from plane. ’cause – why not?

Posted on September 27, 2014

Or just twice-over-suicidal if you’re like this one masturbatory maniac. Mr. Doug Adams, a randy patron of the friendly skies, found that the altitude wasn’t the only thing rising up during his cloudy trek from Boston to L.A. So, he did what you might imagine any man heading to the city of angels while donning a hospital bracelet might do: go for a little lower auto-release. In mid air. In.. Read More

Go Fast to go: taco truck drug ring nailed in sting

Posted on September 25, 2014

Hey kids? In the mood for Methican food? No, I’m not channeling Fez from my fave retro sitcom. I’m talking about some real life Breaking Bad action – meth sold from a taco truck. “Dude, we could just write Lose Pollos on the van, and sell it straight outta there” Indeed, some crystal kingpin decided that it’d be a wise idea to inject a bit o’ ice in Coloradoans’ crunchy.. Read More

“I Know What You Did Last Summer”, IRL

Posted on September 25, 2014

Yep. It’s just like our favorite nineteen ninety whatever it was horror flick. Minus the teenaged sex, trendy music, and hot overacting prom queens. (#funfact: this is also the name of my favorite Gwen Stefani song) In this particular tale, the killer was waiting for a conscience crisis, apparently. Ya know, I legit don’t remember what happened at the end of “I Know What You Did” or its sequel “I.. Read More

iphone 6 bendgate – another enchanting floorshow of mass Apple disappointment

Posted on September 24, 2014

“Is that a phone in your pocket…or do you just have a really crooked penis?” Everyone heard about #BENDGATE by now? If not: the new iphone6 is… you guessed it… bending. (But only if you’re dumb enough to slip it into your skinny jeans like a billfold.) Not you, cell phone. You’re cordlessly uninvited #zing Honestly, I don’t see a problem here. Nothing but good news for me. As someone.. Read More

Tips to spot a fake news story (before sharing it on Facebook)

Posted on September 23, 2014

Are you one of my friends who unwittingly shares fake news stories on Facebook? And feels mortified when you realize it obviously wasn’t true? You just didn’t read it carefully? (But a girl can try…) It’s okay. Shh… Shh…You’re not alone. I say this first because there are a lot of other idiots out there like you who don’t critically read. Second, you’re not alone because I’m mortified too –.. Read More

Should we walk for climate change? Or just start walking to Mars?

Posted on September 23, 2014

You know, I’m all for these “fight climate change” events. There’s no “but” to that. I’m just sad I can’t be a part of the ones like the international walk that happened this past Sunday in New York and a katrillion other places around the globe. And, no it’s not because the likes of Mark Ruffalo or Leonardo Dicaprio make an appearance to fight fracking and other enviro rapery, using.. Read More

Why I won’t be too mad when Google X kidnaps me for my genius brain.

Posted on September 22, 2014

Catching up over dinner with my brother recently, I heard about his Mountain View trip. You’d think the most impressive bit of his various meetings and networking soirees would have been him meeting CEOs and miscellaneous big names for such social networking giants as Twitter and Facebook. Yeah. Not for me. What I fell in love with was – believe it or not – Google. Yep. Anti-corporate me still loves.. Read More